1. With all the hassle that comes with being from Essex, saying you’re from London is just so much easier.
2. Girls want to work as a Beautician, a PA or a Model*.
*One becomes a ‘Model’ by employing someone to take photos of them pouting whilst laying down, wearing a baggy top and shimmery eyeshadow.
3. Boys want to work as an Estate Agent, a Banker or fulltime LAD.
4. Essex may well have the world’s biggest secret reserve of diamantes.
7. There is no ice-cream better than a Rossi’s. Even in Italy.
8. Someone you know has this tattoo.
Or a WHU Badge, a bulldog, or a dolphin.
9. The Fast and the Furious is nothing compared to Southend Sea Front on a Saturday Night.
And if you ain’t got a dump valve, you ain’t invited.
11. If a C2C train is more than 1 minute late, one must hurl abuse at their Twitter.
Then you work from home anyway because you’ve got a ‘legitimate reason’.
12. Canvey Island has apparently been sinking forever.
13. Unfortunately, we know a lot of Essex jokes are true.
14. “What’s that over the river Mum?”…”That little one, is the faraway kingdom of Bluewater with it’s labyrinthian floorplan and expensive shops. We must never go there.”
15. The sun’s out?! All residents must board the C2C and form a half-naked queue into Leigh-On-Sea immediately.
16. Summer uniform rules are very stringent. Failure to adhere will result in being lame.
Snapback, Aviators, Tan, Tight Polo T-Shirt, Tailored Pastel Shorts, Shiny Legs, No Socks, Boxfresh Shoes, and a Lager. Do not under any circumstances leave the house without your tiny manbag.
17. Summer uniform for girls is also fairly strict.
18. Once a year loads of farmers from the weird parts of Essex put on the Orsett Show and horses dance.
20. When the mods on scooters drive in to Southend it sounds like a swarm of hoovers - and it’s actually really cool.
21. We actually don’t know what’s past Chelmsford. Surely it’s not still Essex?
23. Most are lost to Liquid and Envy.
But some are saved by the Reverend and his SOS bus.
24. Older souls are lost to Chicagos.
25. Hungry souls are lost to the Aroma Chinese buffet.
26. Everyone has warm memories of Orsett Hall. Weddings, Proms… and the BLAZING INFERNO.
27. Go to the Brush. Mix a Snakebite, a Rodney and a Weedkiller. Dance to Indie. Fall down. Daryl’s Kebabs.
28. No-one is yet over the loss of Action Stations.
The place of childhood dreams.
30. Driving around/over Sadler’s Farm Roundabout is pure panic. Even after it had an Olympic makeover.
31. If you can hold your breath through the Dartford Tunnel the whole way, you feel like superman.
33. “We ‘ad a propa sick sesh bombin’ it daan the A13 . Yeh I am bare buzzin’ bruv, fort it was gonna be bleak. I dun’arf wanna get gattered though innit…. You out t’night fella? Let’s get ON IT. Nice one bruv, bell me later.”
34. Everyone is known by their surnames.
Smithy, Stanton, Fletcher, Wrighty, Cooky, Coxy, Reedo and the one called Chunk, but no one can remember why?
35. You’re always only 2 mutual friends or less away from a member of TOWIE.
- [Dominica Prime Minister Roosevelt Skerrit said that Tropical Storm Erika killed 20 people there, and set the island back 20 years from the damage. ›] (http://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniemcneal/at-least-5-people-are-missing-after-tropical-storm-erika-thr)
- [Police are investigating the death of Jamycheal Mitchell, 24, who was arrested months ago in Virginia for allegedly stealing about $5 worth of groceries. He was found dead in his jail cell last week. ›] (http://www.buzzfeed.com/jimdalrympleii/black-man-held-for-months-for-stealing-5-worth-of-snacks-fou)
- Owen Labrie was found not guilty of felony sexual assault charges stemming from a 15-year-old former student's accusations that he raped her at St. Paul's School. ›