The 16 Stages Of Childbirth

It's been a long nine months but the main event is finally here. Forget the aromatherapy massage and deep breathing, this is what it's really like.

Baby's coming!

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It's been a long nine months but you're finally in labour.

Ah. It seems to be a false alarm

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What's another few days of an enormous bump, backache, swollen ankles and people saying "you're huge, are you sure it's not twins?"

Sick of waiting, you try a few old wives' tales

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Eating hot curries, drinking raspberry leaf tea, driving over speedbumps, going for long walks to bring on labour. Yeah, none of them work.

Finally, baby is definitely on the way!

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You set off for the maternity hospital

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Apparently your partner has completely forgotten how to drive in his panic at impending fatherhood.

Ok, so the pain is starting to kick in now

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Natural labour? Are you crazy? Would you amputate your leg without an anesthetic? Well shut up then.

You abandon all thoughts of a water birth and aromatherapy

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I need pain relief - now!

You offer your life savings for an epidural

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The midwife says you're doing just fine on gas and air

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It's at this point you may start to shout a little and use the odd swear word

You want to punch your partner for getting you into this

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You want to punch your partner every time he says "breathe"

You're body is going through the most unimaginable pain as it's ripped in two and he's dabbing your forehead with a damp flannel

The gas and air makes you hallucinate a little

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If someone offered you laudanum now you'd happily knock it back

You are convinced you are absolutely, definitely dying

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The midwife and your partner cheer you on...

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And suddenly a miracle occurs

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And you are...

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Wonder Woman!