The Essential "Golden Girls" Style Guide

Miami, you've got style.

1. A jumpsuit is essential.

Though, let's be honest, where does Lanvin get off ripping off Blanche Devereaux and charging 800 bucks for it? Go for this one for 44 bucks instead. After all, jumpsuits are really more about practicality, which clearly Blanche understood very well: glide it off the shoulders and it slides to the floor. Effortless.

P.S. Blanche did it better, Lanvin.

2. The penultimate in 80s glamour: a shoulderpadded jacket.

It's sort of like if a torero jacket fucked one of of Krystal Carrington's gowns.

3. SEQUINS! They're your best friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've found this year's Halloween costume. If you walk into a bar and see a twink with a bad perm in even worse drag slurring his way through "I Wanna Be Loved By You", you'll know you've found me.

4. MORE SEQUINS!

You can really never have enough. Sure, you could splurge on the $130 (or best offer) version oooor you could save a hundred bucks while simultaneously heightening your sex appeal with this aphrodisiacal masterpiece.

5. Just because you're working out doesn't mean you can't be fabulous.

Nothing says, "I'm ready to sweat" like full hair and makeup. It's a small price to pay when you consider what people might think if they were to see you without your face on.

6. Even though you live in one of the most permanently sweltering cities in the country, by all means wear as many layers at a time as possible.

I theorize that between the mountains of clothing she puts on, the fact Miami only ever MAY get down to 60 (at the peak winter), and menopause, being Dorothy must be like walking around while being confined to a Slender Wrap all the time. No wonder she's so pissy.

7. Floral dresses. Lots of them.

You guys, these women are obsessed with floral prints. Not only do they brandish them via their wardrobes, but their house is littered with what I presume to be plastic plants (I have never seen them watered once), Blanche's bedroom looks like a rainforest threw up in a 1980s bordello, their couches have some kind of viny vibe going on--not quite sure what it's supposed to be--and they have excessive amounts of faux-bamboo. But I guess it's sort of what older women did back then, transitioned into their floral stages, kind of like how our present-day old people transition into senility and Tea Party activism (it kind of goes hand-in-hand).

But above all, we've learned...

8.

...if you wear this mess to work, don't expect to stick around (RIP Coco)...

9.

...and, finally...

10.

...Dorothy's wedding dress will always be superior to yours.