A Common Sense Guide to Surviving a Horror Movie

Happy Halloween.

1. Plan better vacations

Camping was fun once when I was 12 and that was basically all the camping I needed to do to be set for life. Even if we’re talking staying in a cabin, if there’s not a bar within drunken stumbling distance, it’s a no-go. You never see ax murderers in Cabo. Just saying. At worst you’ll find yourself with a two-day hangover and in need of a shot of penicillin at vacation’s end.

2. Get a better mobile provider

You go to make a call only to ominously find that dun-dun-dun… you have no bars. Which begs the question, what service are you using, Cricket? Or even worse, AT&T? I’ve had Verizon for a decade now and can only recall a handful of instances where I ever had an issue with having no service. I’ve already assured myself that this advantage will be my lifesaver: “Hello, AAA? Yes, it’s Lucas. It seems I’ve been stranded, and there may or may not be a rabid, murderous lunatic on the prowl. If you could send someone, that’d be great. TTYL!”

3. Don’t break and enter

If you knock on the door, ring the doorbell, shout out, etc. and no one responds, that does not warrant your walking into a stranger’s house. Not only is it illegal, but the hazards of walking into a stranger’s house unexpectedly in a country that was trigger happy even before Stand-Your-Ground laws were adopted shouldn’t have to be explained. The difference is that in horror films, you can expect to run into someone who’s less concerned with pulling a George Zimmerman and more so with fashioning your skin into a lampshade, à la Ed Gein.

4. Stay together

Remember when Freddie from Scooby Doo would always say, “Let’s split up gang!” whenever the Mystery Gang set out on one of their kooky adventures? Yeah, Freddie was a dumbass.

5. Don’t get freaky

Put it back in your pants, hussy! Don’t you know that the sluts always get killed? I’ve personally been dickmatized on several occasions so I am aware that the urge to get it on can be powerful, but for Christ’s sake, save it until after you’ve securely escaped any impending danger.

6. Don’t go back for your friend

“Leave me! Save yourself!” Chile, you don’t have to tell me twice. My ass would have booked it even without your permission. In horror movies, though, it always seems as if whichever character is being explicitly instructed to run in the opposite direction of the looming killer ignores their noble plea and instead runs back to help their friend in despair, and thus towards the person whose sole mission is to hunt down and murder you. Look, you didn’t get that much of a head start and unless you are a Kenyan track and field Olympian, there’s no way you could be more than maybe a few dozen feet ahead of the psychopath, meaning by the time you turn around and sprint back towards your fallen compadre, you’re going to be face-to-face with the person waiting to fucking shank you.

7. Don’t hide out

Which seems like the more plausible option: running to continue distancing yourself from the bloodthirsty crackpot who’s chasing after you or making yourself a sitting duck? If you picked the latter, you would be a perfect candidate for a role in a Hollywood horror film; in real life, the only thing you would be eligible for is near-certain death and possibly a Darwin Award.

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