10 Things We Need To See In The "Magic Mike" Musical

Our prayers have been answered, and the Magic Mike musical is happening. Here’s our wish list. WARNING: Some mildly NSFW thrusting and bare asses ahead.

1. Relentless objectification of the male form.

 

Give the people what they want: great songs, impressive choreography, and so much male flesh it’s absurd. Magic Mike’s stripping sequences were amazing — the only real problem was that there weren’t enough. So: more, please.

2. Nudity.

You want to get asses in those seats, you put asses on stage. There are plenty of ripped Broadway actors to choose from.

3. Choreography by Channing Tatum.

For realism, have an actual ex-stripper choreograph all the dances. No one has moves like Channing Tatum. And while he’s already producing the musical, surely he can take on a more active, gyrating role.

4. Breakaway pants.

Breakaway everything, really. These costumes should be velcro and removed frequently. Instead of quick changes, have the actors rip it all off on stage.

5. Audience participation.

People who come to see a musical about male strippers want to get humped in the face. Simple as that. In fact, you could even charge extra for lapdance seats. No price is too high!

6. Matt Bomer.

Having an original Magic Mike actor would add credibility to the musical. It makes sense to pick the hottest one, especially since he can also sing.

7. No romantic subplot.

I think we all know what the weakest aspect of Magic Mike the movie was. Instead of wasting time with a half-assed romance, focus on the relationship between Mike and his stripper protégé. The bromance is way more interesting.

8. More homoeroticism.

Or how about some actual gay characters? Magic Mike the movie was kind of a tease. For a Broadway musical, the audience of which will be largely gay, you might as well up the LGBT subtext — and make it text.

9. A sense of humor.

This is a musical about male strippers: it’s OK to laugh. The Full Monty musical did a great job of combining humor with genuine pathos, and Magic Mike should follow suit. The movie could have lightened up a bit, anyway.

10. Less talking, more singing and dancing.

 

Why say it with words when you can say it with stage-humping? And yes, some great songs. Preferably about how it feels to hump the stage. Look, this is the Magic Mike musical: These are the power ballads we need.

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