1. Implying that you’ve slept with everyone is not the best way to make a first impression.
But if you’re Brandi, you’ll manage to charm your new friend, anyway.
2. Skinny people get drunk faster.
Go home, Taylor, you’re drunk.
3. Did anyone ask you to sing? Then don’t sing.
This is David Foster’s house, not a goddamn karaoke bar.
4. Some people love to stir the pot.
And then they don’t even show up at the reunion to finish what they started. Uncool, Malooves.
5. Total neutrality is impossible, no matter how desperately you try.
And those lame attempts make you look like an asshole in the long run. Just saying!
6. The morally corrupt will never be redeemed.
Is this the last we’ve seen of the MCFR? Let’s hope.
7. A filthy mouth doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings.
Brandi’s a self-proclaimed slut, not a self-proclaimed robot.
8. Some husbands are better seen than heard.
I’m sure Mauricio is very good at his business. But also, shut up.
9. Not everyone gets to be interesting.
Better luck next time, Marisa!
Sorry, missed this one. I think Bravo bleeped it out?
11. Stripper classes are the best way to achieve financial independence.
Your real friends get that, and will support your pole-dancing endeavors.
12. Whenever you play the game of scones, you either win or you die.
Adrienne Maloof is such a Lannister.
13. The key to a happy marriage is letting him flirt.
Brandi is touching Lisa’s husband, and look how chill Lisa is. Thirty years together for a reason, OK?
14. Even people who hate each other can have a good time together.
Cheers to never seeing each other when the cameras aren’t rolling!
15. Blondes have more fun.
Their brunette friends can hang, too.
16. True love exists. You just have to be English.
Sweetest moment on any Housewife series. Who knew we had any love left in our hearts?
17. We all have thoughts we shouldn’t say out loud.
Like that Kyle wants Kim to relapse, or that Kim made Yolanda carry her poo-stained pillow. Where did the poo come from? Crap, now I’m thinking about it again.
18. You must never question a recovering alcoholic’s sobriety, even when she’s not acting sober.
They don’t actually teach that one in AA.
19. The right people appreciate total honesty.
The right people are Yolanda, Brandi, and anyone they associate with.
20. It’s not being bitchy if you’re Dutch.
Also: Lyme disease.
21. At the end of the day, the classiest people just don’t give a shit.
Lisa and Ken, giving zero fucks once again.
22. Small animals always steal the show.
Congratulations, Giggy. Here’s to another great season.