1. Waldo the Wizard (Lucky Charms)
In the mid-’70s, Waldo was supposed to replace Lucky, but the leprechaun ultimately proved to be more popular. What business does a wizard have with four-leaf clovers, anyway?
2. Poppy the Porcupine (Sugar Corn Pops)
I don’t know what a porcupine has to do with anything, but this little lady is precious and I’d buy whatever cereal she’s selling. (Corn Pops, from 1980 to 1986.)
3. Big Yella (Sugar Corn Pops)
This fan favorite cowboy isn’t quite as adorable as Poppy, but he does have a fan club (the “Big Yella Society”) campaigning to get him back on cereal boxes. Big Yella appeared in the late ’70s, which means he predates Poppy.
4. Alphie (Alpha-Bits)
Because the cereal was “dog-gone good.” Cute. Well, certainly cuter than the Alpha-Bits Monster, another forgotten cereal mascot.
5. Mrs. Tony (Frosted Flakes)
Yes, Tony the Tiger is married. Sure, she looks an awful lot like Tony in drag, but let’s go ahead and assume they’re two different characters. Mrs. Tony debuted in 1971.
6. Fruit Brute
There was only room for so many Monster Cereals. While Count Chocula, Boo Berry, and Frankenberry live on, Fruit Brute has found a second life making cameos in Quentin Tarantino movies. The cereal stopped being made in 1983.
7. Paul Jung (Sugar Smacks)
This terrifying abomination was the Sugar Smacks mascot in the ’50s, along with the equally horrifying Cliffy the Clown. Eventually they were replaced by an animated seal, but they live on in our nightmares.
8. The Genie (Sprinkle Spangles)
Um, I don’t want to accuse anyone of copyright infringement, but gee, Disney, Aladdin’s genie looks an awful lot like this early ’90s cereal mascot.
9. Sugar Jet Kids (Sugar Jets)
Know why these kids look so happy? They’re advertising cereal that is literally coated in sugar. You’d fly to the moon, too.
10. Granny Goodwitch (Sugar Crisp)
Guys, there’s a whole Sugar Crisp family out there: Victor Vicious, Venerable Jarvis, Blob the Sugar Crisp Crook. Sugar Bear was only the beginning.
11. Chockle the Blob (Choco Crunch Cereal)
If I had a shape-shifting ball of cookie dough, I would force him to shape-shift into bigger and bigger versions of himself. Then I would eat him — starting with his mouth, to silence his cereal mascot screams.
- In a Vanity Fair interview, Rihanna said Rachel Dolezal, who identifies as black even as her parents insist she was born white, "was a bit of a hero." ›