1. People of Walmart
The site’s dubious punch line seems to be that Walmart shoppers are poor and often fat. As a single-serving Tumblr, it’s bad enough, but who needs 365 days of schadenfreude?
2. Cow Abductions!
With full-color photos of actual proof that aliens abduct cows — or, OK, photos of what it would look like if aliens abducted cows. For the conspiracy theorist with a particular fixation on bovine life.
3. The Peeps Show
Sorry, marshmallow fans: Peeps are an Easter candy. That means that 11 months of the year, this calendar of Peeps sculptures is just going to feel out of place. A calendar of microwaved Peeps, however, might work.
4. The World of Red Bull
It would take an unhealthy amount of Red Bull to get excited over this Red Bull–themed calendar. Sadly, none of the months show someone passed out after drinking too many vodka–Red Bulls.
5. Annoying Orange
Annoying Orange is annoying even in small doses — hence the name — so a full year of staring at this soul-sucking Internet character is asking a lot. Besides, I’m sure you can find a real-life friend to heckle you endlessly.
6. John Deere
Annoying Orange too dynamic for you? Try this assortment of new and classic tractors. It’s way less colorful, but you know you can count on the John Deere name.
7. Who Farted?
This charming calendar presents the concept of fart ownership as a full-time obsession. Each month, you’ll turn the page on a new mystery fart scenario. It’s not scratch-and-sniff, but there is a whoopee cushion included.
Why look at Facebook on your computer when you can look at Facebook on your desk calendar? Warning: Pokes via calendar may never reach your intended target.
9. Butt Guy
Travel the world with Butt Guy, a man whose defining characteristic seems to be that his ass cheeks are visible outside of his shorts. Somehow Butt Guy was able to turn this into a profession — now he gets to sightsee and be immortalized on your wall.
10. Honey Badger Don’t Care
For most, the honey badger’s viral celebrity died down a while back. Just in case you’re still interested — and want to keep 2013 honey badger–centric — here’s a way to learn more made-up facts about nature’s sassiest critter.
11. Che Guevara
As much as Che hates your T-shirts, he hates your wall calendar even more. But whatever, comrade: If you need Che to inspire you daily, snag this revolutionary item.
12. Texts From Last Night
First they were texts, then it was a website, and now it’s a calendar. Text someone a photo of your calendar and we’ll have gone full circle and wasted a whole lot of time.