Entertainment

Baz Luhrmann Sucks

Sorry, Moulin Rouge fans, it’s time to face the music. Before The Great Gatsby hits theaters, let’s take a look at the director’s past missteps.

1. If you’ve seen one Baz Luhrmann movie, you’ve seen them all.

2. They’re all so heavy-handed. Dramatic lightning? For real?

3. Banal platitudes? No, thanks.

4. SLOW DOWN with those zooms.

5. And everything is LOUD. It’s enough to give you a headache.

6. LOUD costumes. LOUD actors. LOUD sets.

7. Don’t even get me started on the product placement.

8. Remember when Baz was like, “Oh, I know what Shakespeare’s classic love story needs: Jamie Kennedy with pink hair”?

9. “And I’ll make these ’90s teen stars use Shakespearean language. That won’t be awkward at all.”

10. Sorry, but it IS awkward. Like Leo’s face here.

11. It’s like, “I don’t know, Baz. Do YOU believe in directorial restraint?”

12. Prostitute with a heart of gold? Seen it!

15. Is any of this crap even remotely necessary?

16. THIS MOVIE HURTS MY EYES.

17. More platitudes. And people quote this garbage incessantly.

18. Her dying day is in like a minute. So emotionally manipulative. I can’t.

19. You want to talk about Australia? OK, let’s talk about Australia.

20. Like all his movies, it’s style over substance. But it’s not even good style.

21. It’s kind of shocking that a movie with this kind of hotness could be SO GODDAMN BORING.

22. At least in his other bad romances, the leads had chemistry. There is NONE here.

23. Child actors: just say no.

24. I get it. Some of you enjoy being visually assaulted.

25. Some of you prefer color to story.

26. But these movies are silly, overblown, and occasionally unwatchable.

27. And THIS IS THE GUY adapting The Great Gatsby to film?

28. Perhaps he’ll finally explore subtlety.

29. Oh, it’s in 3D? Cool. I give up.

30. Yes, opulence is part of the story. But only PART.

31. It shouldn’t be an endless distraction.

32. But then, what else do you expect from Baz Luhrmann?

33. This is a director who never learned that sometimes less is more.

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