1. If you’ve seen one Baz Luhrmann movie, you’ve seen them all.
2. They’re all so heavy-handed. Dramatic lightning? For real?
5. And everything is LOUD. It’s enough to give you a headache.
7. Don’t even get me started on the product placement.
8. Remember when Baz was like, “Oh, I know what Shakespeare’s classic love story needs: Jamie Kennedy with pink hair”?
9. “And I’ll make these ’90s teen stars use Shakespearean language. That won’t be awkward at all.”
10. Sorry, but it IS awkward. Like Leo’s face here.
11. It’s like, “I don’t know, Baz. Do YOU believe in directorial restraint?”
15. Is any of this crap even remotely necessary?
17. More platitudes. And people quote this garbage incessantly.
18. Her dying day is in like a minute. So emotionally manipulative. I can’t.
19. You want to talk about Australia? OK, let’s talk about Australia.
20. Like all his movies, it’s style over substance. But it’s not even good style.
21. It’s kind of shocking that a movie with this kind of hotness could be SO GODDAMN BORING.
22. At least in his other bad romances, the leads had chemistry. There is NONE here.
24. I get it. Some of you enjoy being visually assaulted.
26. But these movies are silly, overblown, and occasionally unwatchable.
27. And THIS IS THE GUY adapting The Great Gatsby to film?
28. Perhaps he’ll finally explore subtlety.
30. Yes, opulence is part of the story. But only PART.
32. But then, what else do you expect from Baz Luhrmann?
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