1. You know to always bring a jacket no matter what the temperature is.
2. Meanwhile, she’s never a comfortable temperature. But she doesn’t want to burden anyone else.
3. Oh, she’s having a hot flash. Can’t you see that she’s schvitzing?
6. But she’s not above telling you that you’ve put on weight.
7. Also, she wants to know what you want to eat when you come home. In a month.
9. You have a strong preference when it comes to savory or sweet kugel. (SWEET.)
10. You were forbidden from ever getting a tattoo. She still asks you about this.
11. She just wants you to know you’ll never get a job with a tattoo. Or with those clothes. Or with your hair like that.
12. She says she loves you no matter what your sexual orientation, just raise the children Jewish.
13. She’d prefer you marry a Jew, but if you don’t, it’s not the end of the world. Just raise the children Jewish.
14. And what does he do? It doesn’t matter if he’s a doctor. It would just be nice, that’s all.
15. Every phone conversation is about how to meet a nice Jewish boy or girl.
16. Every phone conversation is also about what you need to do with your life. (Never mind that you’re doing just fine.)
17. She will set you up with Ruth’s boy. You know Ruth? From the synagogue? She ushers on Friday nights.
18. Twenty years later, she’s still talking about your Bar or Bat Mitzvah on a regular basis.
19. But only because she doesn’t have a wedding to talk about yet. HAVE YOU MET ANY NICE JEWISH BOYS OR GIRLS LATELY?
20. And she doesn’t have grandchildren to talk about yet either.
21. If you tell your mom you’re sick, the entire family will know within the hour.
23. That’s if she’s figured out how to text. She’s not great with new technology.
24. If you don’t call back immediately, you’re going to get guilt. She knows you’re busy, she just worries.
25. She wants to know if what you’re doing is safe. If it’s not safe, she’ll kill you.
26. You come in wearing a vintage ripped T-shirt, and she says, “What is this shmata?”
27. She reminds you how much your people have been through.
28. She throws out Yiddish phrases like “baruch hashem” and “kein ayin hara” regardless of context.
29. She doesn’t need you to pick her up at the airport. She’ll take a taxi. Don’t worry. (Hint: You HAVE to pick her up.)
31. You know that anything bad you do is “killing your mother.” Or anything you do at all, really.
32. You accept that she has the ultimate trump card in arguments: guilt.
33. She reminds you that you’d better not put her in a bad nursing home.
34. If you share this post with your mom, she’ll say, “But I’m not like this, right?” Just smile and nod.
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