35 Signs You Were Raised By A Jewish Mother

So, is he Jewish? What, just asking. Oy vey.

1. You know to always bring a jacket no matter what the temperature is.

ID: 1162102

2. Meanwhile, she’s never a comfortable temperature. But she doesn’t want to burden anyone else.

ID: 1162107

3. Oh, she’s having a hot flash. Can’t you see that she’s schvitzing?

ID: 1162111

4. You and your friends were always well fed.

ID: 1162067

5. She asks, “Are you eating?” every time you talk on the phone.

ID: 1162117

6. But she’s not above telling you that you’ve put on weight.

ID: 1162203

7. Also, she wants to know what you want to eat when you come home. In a month.

ID: 1162205

8. She has the best recipe for brisket, all others be damned.

ID: 1162069

9. You have a strong preference when it comes to savory or sweet kugel. (SWEET.)

ID: 1162219

10. You were forbidden from ever getting a tattoo. She still asks you about this.

ID: 1162223

11. She just wants you to know you’ll never get a job with a tattoo. Or with those clothes. Or with your hair like that.

ID: 1162226

12. She says she loves you no matter what your sexual orientation, just raise the children Jewish.

ID: 1162179

13. She’d prefer you marry a Jew, but if you don’t, it’s not the end of the world. Just raise the children Jewish.

ID: 1162122

14. And what does he do? It doesn’t matter if he’s a doctor. It would just be nice, that’s all.

ID: 1162119

15. Every phone conversation is about how to meet a nice Jewish boy or girl.

ID: 1162071

16. Every phone conversation is also about what you need to do with your life. (Never mind that you’re doing just fine.)

ID: 1162131

17. She will set you up with Ruth’s boy. You know Ruth? From the synagogue? She ushers on Friday nights.

ID: 1162074

18. Twenty years later, she’s still talking about your Bar or Bat Mitzvah on a regular basis.

ID: 1162076

19. But only because she doesn’t have a wedding to talk about yet. HAVE YOU MET ANY NICE JEWISH BOYS OR GIRLS LATELY?

ID: 1162150

20. And she doesn’t have grandchildren to talk about yet either.

ID: 1162209

21. If you tell your mom you’re sick, the entire family will know within the hour.

ID: 1162079

22. You’re no stranger to frantic “are you OK?” texts

ID: 1162145

23. That’s if she’s figured out how to text. She’s not great with new technology.

ID: 1162144

24. If you don’t call back immediately, you’re going to get guilt. She knows you’re busy, she just worries.

ID: 1162172

25. She wants to know if what you’re doing is safe. If it’s not safe, she’ll kill you.

ID: 1162140

26. You come in wearing a vintage ripped T-shirt, and she says, “What is this shmata?”

ID: 1162080

27. She reminds you how much your people have been through.

ID: 1162082

28. She throws out Yiddish phrases like “baruch hashem” and “kein ayin hara” regardless of context.

ID: 1162213

29. She doesn’t need you to pick her up at the airport. She’ll take a taxi. Don’t worry. (Hint: You HAVE to pick her up.)

ID: 1162086

30. Now that you’ve picked her up, you’re driving too fast.

ID: 1162156

31. You know that anything bad you do is “killing your mother.” Or anything you do at all, really.

ID: 1162090

32. You accept that she has the ultimate trump card in arguments: guilt.

ID: 1162092

33. She reminds you that you’d better not put her in a bad nursing home.

ID: 1162153

34. If you share this post with your mom, she’ll say, “But I’m not like this, right?” Just smile and nod.

ID: 1162161

35. She always tells you you can’t get mad at her for caring too much. And you can’t, really, because she’s the absolute best. Thanks, Mom.

ID: 1162167

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