How To Evoke Depression In Ten Seconds

(or avoid it)

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2. "Won't you be my.."-No thanks.

1. Start playing an episode of Mr. Rogers. The itchy looking cardigan, puppet fisting and "soothing tone" of our friendly neighbor makes everyone young and old feel a little uneasy. Did he really need to put on and take off his jackcet in front of us? All that playing with, picking up and moving around of figurines and toy train set spelled diddler to me. I'm sure he was a "nice guy" but I always tended to gravitate more towards Anthony the pissed off mechanic from the Bronx type neighbor rather than the dollhouse designer. Keep the sweater on Sir. Thanks.

2.Play the M*A*S*H opening theme song. It never failed to either give me a migraine or want to jump out my second story bedroom growing up. I'm not sure if it was the actual song, the amputees or the fact that it indicated that all the fun shows were over and I had to go to bed soon...... http://www.tvland.com/video-clips/mash/m-a-s-h-theme-song

3. Cher... Her movies, her music, and her face alone. Moonstruck, Mask, and Mermaids prove my distaste for the drag queen. And really? Do you Believe in Life after Love? Does she?? Her daughter aka CHAZ has moobies and a three piece set most likely completed by now, I think she'd take Rocky Dennis at this point, but even he couldnt take the bitch anymore.

4. Cleaning supply commercials...Being home "sick" in elementary school was usually a great way to avoid a social studies test i didnt study for or the forwarned puberty video in the nurse's office featuring Annie from the play who just got her period, but I always suddenly felt sicker when Bounty or Mr Clean commercials interrupted my Supermarket Sweep. These house moms always seemed way too excited and eager to wipe up their bratty sons grape juice or dog piss from the linoleum floors. Not quite sure where my depression stemmed from, but i'm guess it was either the fact that this could potentially be my future despite what my new generation x mentors were telling me or that my mom sucked because whenever i spilled or didnt take the dog out for a walk on time, the chances of her smiling and running to pick it up were slim to...well NEVER.

5. Sarah McLachlan and Jewel- Sarah for one main reason: that puppy mill commercial...I can't think of a time I was more bummed out than the first time I saw all those mangled dogs while she just sat there and sang about "silent reveries"....DO SOMETHING! SINGING ISN'T HELPING GIRL! and Jewel...no real hatred towards the chick, but I can't think of anyone who repeatedly coos about coffee, front porches, sun rays and always going back to bed that I'de ever want to hang out with. The only interesting part of her is her snaggle tooth, and I think that may be gone now. Bummer....

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