1. Be Patrick Bateman
You are the BEST! Just look at you, you’re sublime, carry a mirror around with you and shout motivational quotes at yourself. It’s time to embrace your inner megalomaniac on your application; mention the time you inserted ‘bum face’ intermittently into your best friend’s essay so he got a detention and you got top marks in the class, they’ll love your ruthless streak. When you get the job (of course you will) you can begin your reign of terror.
2. Be Hermione Granger
No-one got anywhere by not being in the library, so pack your bags and move in. If you haven’t read every book there by the time you finish university then you’re disappointing everyone. Employers can’t risk you making stupid mistakes and mixing up Durkheim and Descartes, so get back to work idiot. And write with a quill. And be magic.
3. Be a Kardashian
Make sure you’re never, EVER on your own and are always surrounded by people. Otherwise if you’re ever on your own, people will think you’re weird and do weird things like think and stuff. Get your entourage to carry you into interviews so everyone knows how truly popular you are. When working in a team it’s important to make it look like you’re co-operating, so nod your head and say things like ‘I hear what you’re saying’ but inside be like ‘shut up. YEEZUS’ and do whatever the hell you want.
4. Be David Icke
So what if you believe that the Royal family are a bunch of bloodthirsty lizards positioned for world domination, you’re passionate. Don’t let anyone stand in the way of what you believe in and your sheer tenacity will shine through in an interview, aswell as your piercing blue eyes.
5. Be Willow Smith
So you don’t have a particularly astounding amount of talent but you do have your Dad’s face, perfect. Get your Ma and Pa to make friends with the CEO and buy them a house in the Carribean, it’s not nepotism, it’s kindness. Whilst your interview is happening, make sure everyone in the room is aware of the fact that the painting on the wall has eye-holes in it and your parents are watching everything that’s happening.
6. Be Regina George
Make sure you’re the most popular person in the room during team building. It doesn’t matter if people are scared of you, infact that’s better. Begin to initiate the best looking people into your group by gossiping about other people’s inferior outfits and drawing people in with your evil magnetism. That way you can order people to do things in tasks that make them look stupid HA, 4 for me Glen Coco!
7. Be Justin Bieber
Turn up to your interview at least 2 hours late, this will build tension and allow you to make a dramatic entrance. You don’t have concerns about futile concepts such as time, in fact be confident..you ARE time, an omnipresent fixation that dictates the world and its workings.