The 5 Stages Of The Brandeis Housing Crisis

It's the most horrific time of the year.

1. The Dread before the Storm

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The lottery is approaching. You've been reminded to "check the box." Friends are gathering, forging loose alliances. Your future is uncertain and, quite frankly, you don't even want to think about everything that could go wrong (which is, in fact, everything).

2. The Climax

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This is it. The housing numbers are about to come out, and you break out into a sweat every time you think about it. In a few days, hours, minutes, the fate of your next collegiate year will be determined. You're knocking on wood, crossing your fingers, and considering the possibilities.

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One possibility is that everything might work out great. Maybe this year will finally be the year! YOUR year. The year you snag a coveted Ridgewood and don't have to go around frantically begging people to pull you in. This time, they'll be begging YOU.

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But, you know, if you don't get a high number, it'll be ok! You'll live! Somebody will pull you in! Definitely someone in your main group of friends. Yeah! It's a big group, so SOMEONE can pull you in! Unless they all pair up with each other first....

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But even if you get a bad number and can't find anyone willing to pull you in, that's fine! TOTALLY fine. There's gotta be ONE slightly demolished, mildly sketchy housing option near campus. It's not like you'd ever get stuck in a cardboard box on South Street. Ha ha, that could never happen....right? RIGHT?????

3. The Results

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And your number is....._____! Now is the critical time to text your friends and respond to the 30 messages you've received in the past 30 seconds. You must inform everyone about your number and everyone must inform you about their numbers.

4. The Announcements

There are several different types of housing statuses, which will proliferate on Facebook immediately after numbers are released.

The cheers of victory.

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The wails of anger and defeat.

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The classic freshman confusion.

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5. The Final Acceptance

At the end of the day, you know you have no choice but to accept your housing fate, whether you're living in a

Ridgewood,

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Castle,

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a room in East,

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a Mod,

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Or a cardboard box on South Street.

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