1. STAGE 1: SHOCK AND DISBELIEF
Oh, you thought you were happily dating someone? NOPE SORRY. Turns out they need space/to find themselves/to focus on their career/to wash their hair/whatever.
2. You literally cannot believe what you just heard. You feel like that kid in Home Alone.
4. STAGE 2: DENIAL
During this stage, you become convinced that your former significant other will see the error of their ways and call you begging to be forgiven. There is a lot of staring at your phone during this phase.
5. “La la laaaaa, I can’t hear you, I’m just gonna stay in here with my delusion, laaaaaa!”
6. STAGE 3: ANGER
This is easily the most exciting stage. Your friends, who attempt to help you out of your funk, learn pretty darn quick that you are NOT having it.
7. This is the point where you imagine squishing your ex like the bug that they are…
8. … or perhaps, like, pushing them off a cliff? Either one would suffice.
9. STAGE 4: BARGAINING
This is easily the most embarrassing stage, as it can involve any number of humiliating things, such as begging your ex to come back, trying to win them over through compromise, or weirdly following them around.
10. If you do somehow get your ex to meet with you and hear you out, the exchange usually ends up looking something like this:
11. STAGE 5: GUILT
This stage is also known as the “It’s all my fault” stage.
12. If you thought the breaking up wasn’t bad enough, just wait for the unnecessary blame you place on yourself!
13. STAGE 6: DEPRESSION
This is the lengthiest stage - or at least sometimes it feels that way. This involves the general malaise that follows you in your daily routine, as well as your inability to be productive – or even sit in a car seat properly.
14. Your buddies will try to take you out on the town, but it becomes pretty clear that you’re not into it.
15. Netflix + the couch become very big parts of your life.
16. Oh, you’re supposed to leave the house right now? NOPE. NOT HAPPENING.
17. And then sometimes you’ll have the brilliant idea of just drinking until you pass out.
18. STAGE 7: ACCEPTANCE
Wheee! It’s real! It’s happening! No kidding! Despite your previous pity party, this stage marks the point where you can ENJOY DOING STUFF.
19. You’ve survived the battle, and you feel pretty badass about it.
20. Because, seriously. You’ve got lots of stuff going for you right now.
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›