1. These are not the American Girl dolls I know.
2. They all look like they shop at Forever 21 and are way cooler than me.
3. And their hair? Oh my god. All these dolls seriously have Pinterest and have been heavy researching braid crown tutorials.
::Stares deep into the eyes of an American Girl doll wearing a pink terrycloth halter dress::
4. I look at you and feel nothing.
5. Jeez. All these new dolls look like they’re so … busy. Like one minute they’re camping, the next they’re in ballet class. Then they’re at the beach. Then the Olympics.
6. I would never be able to keep up.
7. Oh WOW. There’s a doll salon. Professional American Girl Doll Hairdresser is a real job. I want that job. How do I get that job?
8. I’m so confused. Where is Samantha? Felicity? WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GIRLS AT?
::Enters “Historical Doll” section::
9. Oh, here we go. Wait. Who is this “Julie”? She’s a hippie? Oh god, my parents would have hated that.
10. Rebecca … Josefina … THERE IS NO SAMANTHA. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?
11. They’ve killed Samantha. And Felicity. And Kirsten. And Molly? OH GOD NO NOT MOLLY.
::Examines Historical Doll collection more closely::
13. OK, OK. So Caroline is basically the new Felicity.
14. And Rebecca is the new Samantha. And she’s Jewish?! Fuck yeah.
15. Oh and Marie Grace and Cecile are from New Orleans? I would have been so down with that as a kid.
16. These new historical characters aren’t so bad.
17. I’m getting on board with this.
18. Like Kit? From the 1930s? Those are some legit cute pajamas.
19. I can’t believe my parents never got me an American Girl doll.
20. If they had, I would certainly be a different person today.
21. I am totally going to get my daughter an American Girl doll.
22. Aww, look! A little canopy bed!
23. Aww, look! Tiny Depression-era school supplies!
24. OMG and Caroline even has a sailboat? That is dope.
25. This sailboat costs $175.
26. Holy SHIT this stuff is really, really expensive.
27. Now I understand my parents. And that is weird.
28. It must be, like, everyone’s birthday here.
29. Because these people are buying A LOT of stuff.
30. Ooo! Ooo! Addy! Addy, they saved you! You’re still here!!!!
31. They have a cafe here, too? I wonder if they serve alcohol.
32. They do? This place is the bomb.
33. They even play the B-52’s and Stevie Wonder. Like, THAT is genius.
34. Wait, am I the only person here shopping alone? It’s all moms with their kids.
35. Is that weird that I’m alone?
36. Stop looking around. People will think you are a creep.
37. You need a story. Why are you here, huh? WHY?
38. So, if a clerk comes up to you, you say … “Oh, I’m just thinking about getting a doll for my niece.”
39. She doesn’t know you don’t have a niece, ha ha!
40. Oh shit, but what if the clerk asks how old she is. “Eight. She’s 8.”
41. But then the clerk will probably be all, “O RILLY WHAT YEAR WAS SHE BORN THEN???”
42. Math. Um … 14 minus 8 is — Ooo! Are those tiny yoga mats for dolls?
43. And these antique-style nightgowns for real girls? I could fit into the largest size, right?
44. OK, no, ew. Stop. That’s weird. You definitely cannot be thinking about buying anything here.
45. I mean. What are you going to do with a tiny snowboard.
46. This is overwhelming.
47. Twenty minutes is entirely too long to spend in the American Girl doll store.