1. For starters, Prince Phillip is introduced to his wife — Princess Aurora — when she is still in diapers.
2. The fairies come to bestow their gifts upon the child and the first is…the gift of beauty.
Heaven forbid the kingdom get a just-okay-looking princess.
3. The second is the gift of song.
Really, I can think of about 1,000 more useful things right now other than the gift of song. Sure, if Sleeping Beauty had to make a career for herself, maybe this talent would get her on The Voice or something, but maybe something like “the gift of good health” or “the gift of a charitable heart” would come in handy?
4. Then this bitch shows up. If you watch this again, you notice that she’s kind of oozing sex appeal.
And you kind of get the feeling that the grudge she holds has something to do with feelings she has for King Stefan, Sleeping Beauty’s dad.
5. After Maleficent sets the curse upon Aurora (that she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die on her 16th birthday), King Stefan orders all spinning wheels to be burned.
Just pointing out the obvious: 16 years is ample time to manufacture new spinning wheels.
6. And so the plan is to keep Aurora hidden for the next 16 years. Her parents (and it’s implied that they had a hard time conceiving) just willingly give up their baby?
And now this kid’s identity is completely replaced with a new one and her new name — Briar Rose — is kind of a weird one.
7. It’s definitely not weird to grow up in an abandoned cottage with three old women.
8. Who are clearly incompetent.
When a recipe directs you to “fold two eggs,” most normal people understand that this does not mean you literally put two eggs — shell and all — into the batter.
9. Also, what is up with Briar Rose’s feet?! Why is she always barefoot? Is she barefoot? Does she have two toes?
Or maybe she’s wearing some of these Nike split-toe sneakers?
10. The three fairies are pretty much responsible for putting Briar Rose in danger. It’s their own stupid quarrels that tip off Maleficent’s raven as to their whereabouts.
11. Welcome to the shittiest 16th birthday ever: You meet a guy, are told you can’t be with him, learn that you’re stuck in an arranged marriage, that your name is actually Aurora, and your parents have been out there all along.
12. These two are the worst fathers ever. King Hubert (Prince Phillip’s dad) wants Aurora and Phillip to move into their new castle right away…so they can start making babies. Remember: Aurora is 16.
14. So the fairies bring Aurora to the castle…clearly before the sun has completely set. Why does no one err on the side of caution here?
Folks. The evil lady specifically said that the princess will prick her finger on a spinning wheel before the sun sets on her 16th birthday. Keep this shit on lockdown until it’s dark. Or, heck, wait a day or even a week. A belated birthday party isn’t really all that bad.
15. And so in order to deal with the problem, the fairies put the entire kingdom to sleep.
This is pretty messed up and pretty passive. Instead of alerting the parents, these chicks are basically like, “Crap. We left the girl alone. It’s our fault. How can we get away with this?” And they do. NO ONE KNOWS THIS HAPPENED. After Prince Phillip delivers the kiss, everyone wakes up and continues their conversations.
16. And they’re just one big happy family? Just like that?
If this were real life, Aurora would probably still be calling all the fairies her real moms. Now she’s stuck with these people she doesn’t even know. And is about to get married at 16. So many mistakes, Sleeping. (Also, is that another one of your first names? It’s a horrible name.)