10 Ineffective/Awesome Rapture Defense Weapons

These weapons aren't going to save your ass during the rapture, but you'll look a lot cooler than the rest of the damned.

• 1. Nunchucks

  

  Pro - Chuck Norris is somehow involved
  Con - Only helps for close proximity fighting
  Con - Chuck is dressed like a nun

• 2. Angry Birds

  

  Horribly adorable and potentially useful for distractions, but ultimately the plush toys don't come with the real firepower of the Angry Birds in the game.

• 3. Lightsaber

  

  The problem with lightsabers is that they're not actually lightsabers. They're plastic. If this were a legit sword powered by some sort of fusion, you'd be doing the rapturing.

• 4. Asimo Robot

  

  Having a robot that can fight for you is a pretty appealing proposition. But let's be honest, the robots we've built thus far can barely walk down the stairs without tripping.

• 5. Nerf Blaster

  

  At first glance, people might think, "woah that's a pretty serious weapon." But unfortunately the stickypad plastic ammunition won't be enough to stop the army of apocalyptic horse cavalry.

• 6. D.I.Y. Trebuchet

  

  Anyone who has played Age of Empires 2 (specifically 2) knows that the Trebuchet is a deadly weapon. But given the time you have left to construct, and the immobility of this weapon, it might not be your saving grace.

• 7. USB Missile Launcher

  

  This may be extremely effective for protecting your cubicle from Nancy in HR, but with a 10 foot blast radius, this weapon may not stop the screaming winged sky monkeys coming for your soul.

• 8. Lawn Darts

  

  This isn't so much weapon as much as a means to take your own life to avoid rapture warfare. Why settle for boring cyanide pills when you can turn your death into a game!

• 9. Human Ball

  

  Sometimes the best offense is a good defense. You'll last a bit longer than the rest of the masses with this plastic ball that you're neatly protected inside of. BONUS: If airborne toxins are spreading across the earth, you can live for about 10 extra minutes on the oxygen inside your bubble.

• 10. Doctor Who TARDIS

  

  This isn't a weapon, but more-so an attempt to trick your rapturous enemies. Obviously you're not going to get your hands on the real TARDIS, but assuming the apocalyptic armies are Doctor Who fans (and obviously they are) they may think you are the legit Doctor, and thus be ineligible for rapturing since you're an alien and not a human who needs to be judged.