The Miami Checklist

If you can check off 20 or more of these, you can officially consider yourself a Miamian. posted on

1. You’ve felt such intense road rage that acting on it and going to jail wouldn’t even phase you.

Our drivers don’t believe in turning signals, having insurance or basic human decency.

2. You have five or more of these bad boys chilling in your house.

3. Sports Grill wings are the ONLY wings.

Hooters can kindly step to the left.

4. You’ve bought mamoncillos, churros, water, soda, Gatorade or limes from a street vendor.

5. You’ve tasted the sweet sweet nectar of Iron Beer, Jupiña and Materva.

6. You’ve twerked it out at a Vixen class.

7. You know that 3:05 is Miami’s official cafecito time.

8. You’ve celebrated a major event by ruining your pots and pans (Heat Championships, Fidel Castro “dying,” Elian getting sent back to Cuba, those two times the Marlins won the World Series, etc.)

And you know that the BEST spot to party is in front of La Carreta on Bird Road.

9. You’ve gotten lost in the maze that is Hialeah.

And you never screamed “we have to go back!”

10. You’ve experienced seething hatred for the rocks that double as street signs in Coral Gables.

Seriously, all of the streets are NAMES and then you put them on a rock… ON THE GROUND?!

11. You listened to DJ Laz on Power 96, freaked out when you heard he left, then faithfully followed him to 106.7

You still wonder what happened between him and Miami’s favorite party station.

12. “Bro” and “dale” are part of your daily vocabulary (as much as you don’t want them to be).

Your ability to properly speak English is dwindling as a result.

13. You have a mango or avocado tree in your backyard. Or you know someone that does.

14. You’ve gone to both Santa’s Enchanted Forest and The Youth Fair (and have memorized the theme songs for each).

Games, shows, food, nativities!

15. You once thought The Biltmore was haunted (or still do).

16. You know the best soul food is at Jackson’s Soul Food or People’s BBQ in Overtown.

Maybe you’ll even see LeBron.

17. You’ve been accosted by a crucifix-wearing papi chulo.

18. You know somebody who knows somebody who knows Pitbull.

19. You’ve visited El Rey de las Fritas AND El Mago de las Fritas and have sworn an allegiance to one over the other.

20. You attended a birthday party at Don Carter’s (RIP) or Bird Bowl.

You still don’t believe in the fancy new bowling spots that have popped up in Sunset Place, Dolphin Mall & SoBe.

21. When Miley Cyrus twerked at the VMA’s you weren’t shocked or offended because that’s just called a Saturday night here.

And we have Uncle Luke to thank for that.

22. You spent most of your childhood perfecting your skating skills at Hot Wheels. You would later go there for all ages parties when you were 15 to perfect your sucia skills.

23. You have spent at least one Saturday night watching Sabado Gigante.

You are still terrified of El Chacal and think Don Francisco is immortal.

24. Seeing this sends shivers down your spine.

25. You’ve indulged in some tiki tiki music and made bad life choices here.

26. You’ve been to the “insane asylum” on Krome. And you were devastated when you found out it wasn’t really a mental institution.

27. You’ve hit up El Farito on more than one occasion.

28. La Carreta, Versailles and Sergio’s are A-okay in your book, but El Palacio de Los Jugos has your heart when it comes to Cuban food.

29. You thought Miami was the coolest after Will Smith told you so.

Although, $100,000 cars, everybody does NOT got ‘em.

30. You either love reggaeton or pretend that you hate it.

31. You won’t admit it, but you’ve shopped at Ñooo! Que Barato or Valsan.

32. You’re used to Miami’s bipolar weather. Gorgeous and sunny one minute on the brink of a hurricane the next.

33. Yeah, you love LeBron, but D. Wade will always be your numero uno.

Bonus if you can actually spell his first name correctly.

34. Music videos filmed in Miami (mostly ones by DJ Khaled and Rick Ross) make you smile.

But Drake will always be un infiltrado in our city.

35. You have a mild panic attack when another football team comes close to a perfect season because you don’t want the glory taken away from the ‘72 Dolphins.

36. You’re used to neverending road and building construction.

37. You know better than to set foot on South Beach during Memorial Day Weekend.

38. You often wonder why Downtown is deserted after 6:00 p.m.

I think we’re missing the point on what a “downtown” area is supposed to be.

39. Everything about the Marlins organization (from the management to the stadium to the new logo) cheeses your noodle.

40. Dolphin or Aventura Mall on a Saturday afternoon is not for the faint of heart.

41. You’re all of a sudden SUPER into biking and have proudly attended Critical Mass.

42. You’ve gone to Art Walk or Art Basel.

Bonus points if you bumped into Beyonce last year.

43. You’ve acted ratchet at Peach Fuzz or Purdy Lounge. Hell, if you’ve acted ratchet at any club in Miami.

Except at Liv or Mansion because you’re too busy spending your life savings.

44. You’ve at one point or another said “I live where you vacation.” When what you meant to say is:

45. You’re fiercely loyal to the neighborhood you grew up in. One time for Westchester!

46. You recognize that Pat Riley is our overlord.

47. That one game where UM and FIU came to blows was your all.

48. Despite having the beach in your backyard, you don’t actually go as often as you’d like.

Traffic, parking, topless foreigners. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

49. You voted for Uncle Luke for mayor.

50. You put Lil’ Wayne on probation after he disrespected the Miami Heat.

You know, since he is SUCH a big Lakers fan and all.

51. We may have face-eating zombies, bandwagon fans and chongas, but you love calling Miami home.

What would you add to the Miami Checklist? Dimelo cantando!

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