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1. You can’t remember the last time you’ve kissed someone.
2. Or had sex.
3. The idea of a first date has become borderline terrifying.
4. The last person who held your hand was your mom.
5. And the last kiss you received was sloppy and wet and from your dog.
6. At this point, any time you see a guy who's even relatively cute, you immediately imagine a future together.
7. Thinking optimistically, you decide to put yourself out there and place an ad in the local paper "seeking a soulmate."
8. You note that it’s “been a long, dry two years."
9. When a handsome man responds to your ad 48 hours later, you totally freak.
10. When you first meet up, you’re so nervous you begin to sweat like a total maniac.
11. As he walks you to your apartment after your date, you invite him in, because, hey, it’s been a while.
12. When he steps into your apartment, you lock the door. You’re afraid of losing another person and you don’t want to be single again.
13. When he questions why you’ve locked the door, you simply laugh it off and say “rodent problem!”
14. When he laughs nervously and suspiciously, you reaffirm, gravely: “there is nothing to fear.”
15. This makes him more nervous, and so he notes that maybe he better "just head home.”
16. You accidentally shout “never!”
17. You notice a panicked expression spread across his face. He is now weary of your intentions.
18. As he starts for the door, you grab the nearest vase and smash it over his head.
19. As he lays on the floor, you feel nervous because you have maybe killed a person, but relieved because now he definitely cannot leave.
20. Over the course of the next month, you slowly nurse him back to health from the confinement of your bathroom, hoping he’ll acquire some form of Stockholm syndrome.
21. Your co-workers start noticing that you’ve been acting jittery and stressed lately, sending emails with condescending subject lines like “are you sure you’re okay?” and “you look tired, Susan.”
22. You’d love to unload and talk to your friends about why you’re so stressed, but you fear they may judge you for “almost killing a man” and “having a hostage,” so you bottle everything in.
23. Then, when you return home one evening, you realize your boyfriend* has escaped.
24. You cry for a while, but then realize you no longer have to shop for two at Trader Joe’s, which will cut grocery costs significantly.
25. You sigh, recount fond memories of your past relationship, and decide to head to Cabo for a week or two to “find yourself.”
You're now single and ready for your next stable relationship!
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