1. Watch this commercial real quick. It’s for Foot Locker, and it features beard-admiral and NBA All-Star James Harden as well as the Kardiashianed One, Kris Humphries.
2. It might not seem like it at first glance, but this commercial tells a Very Profound Story. Let me break it down for you.
3. Act One: this is James Harden.
4. Being in James Harden’s entourage is great. See how happy it makes D? Even while Harden’s being like, “Dude, you wore those shoes yesterday, that behavior is not worthy of me.”
5. James Harden’s purple-and-gold-jacketed accomplice informs D that Foot Locker is “bringing new heat every day,” though, meaning D has no excuse to wear the same sneakers two days in a row.
6. But let’s take a closer look. That must be a Lakers jacket, right? And the Lakers are Western-Conference rivals of Harden’s team, the Rockets. This guy’s clearly a double-agent.
7. “Remember what happened to Maurice,” the traitor says. He’s clearly having Harden’s most loyal supporters sent out. But where?
8. It’s a terrible fate: Harden traded Maurice to Kris Humphries’ entourage. And that could happen to D, too. What does D think of that?
9. D doesn’t like it. Not one bit.
10. This is what it looks like when you get told you might be traded to Kris Humphries’ entourage.
12. Act Two: Meanwhile, Kris Humphries asks his entourage what they see in the mirror. There’s Maurice, in the corner. He’s sad.
13. Humphries’ entourage says they see a changed man, but they’re clearly just operating under orders from Lakers-jacket guy. All they really see are bad collared shirts.
14. Maurice “sees a guy. A cool guy.”
15. What a bunch a jabronis.
16. The moral of this story? The Lakers are playing dirty. Beware of the Lakers.
Also, Kris Humphries is a huge bummer.
In The News Today
- A judge ruled that the six Baltimore officers charged in the death of Freddie Gray, a black man allegedly killed by police in April, will have individual trials. ›
- Senate Democrats have secured enough votes to uphold the Iran nuclear deal when Congress votes on it later this month. ›
- Hundreds of Eurostar passengers moving between Britain and France were stranded for hours as people were seen on the tracks attempting to get through the tunnel. ›