Former NFL Great Talks Strangely, Lustily About LeBron

Well, Joe Theismann, I — I never knew you felt this way.

Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

Joe Theismann, above, is a former NFL quarterback and current NFL commentator who, out of nowhere, decided recently to express his belief that LeBron James would be a great NFL quarterback if Joe Theismann could train him. This would have been odd enough on its own, but Theismann also chose to express said belief in a hilariously weird manner.

Is this something that anyone is talking about? No. Nobody is talking about whether LeBron James would be a great NFL quarterback. That is weird. Why would we be talking about that? Anyway, not only does the story have a strange, untethered sense of unreality — it also makes Theismann sound a tad obsessed with LeBron’s body. Which, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Excerpts from the ESPN story about Theismann’s comments are below; my completely not real interpolations of these quotes follow.

When Joe Theismann watches LeBron James play basketball, he sees a potential NFL quarterback.

Why doesn’t he see a basketball player?!?!? Is Joe Theismann tripping on hallucinogenic “shrooms”?

“I would love to work him out and also serve as his agent. I’ll go wherever he wants this summer.”

“Who wouldn’t want to coach LeBron James? He’s the most physical specimen we have in professional sports,” he told the NFL Network. “He could do, I think, anything he wanted.”

What a physical specimen, Joe Theismann thought, as Joe Theismann sat in his car with his binoculars, watching LeBron James suit up to ride his bike to the Miami basketball arena. Such a specimen, Theismann thought. So physical. Joe Theismann thought LeBron James reminded him of a Greek statue, except without any parts broken off, and moving.

Theismann said the biggest thing the NBA’s reigning MVP would have to work on is his footwork, which he said is the “most important element” to throwing the ball accurately at the NFL level.

Wait, what? What about the part where you throw the ball with your arms?

He also wonders whether James’ hands are too big to wrap around the football.

Joe Theismann looked through his binoculars as LeBron James groomed the hedges in his front yard. Look at the size of those hands, Joe Theismann thought. They are very large. They are so large, they might be too big for a football. They are so large, they might be too big for [REDACTED].

THIS POST HAS BEEN CANCELED BY NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION

HAVE A NICE DAY

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