1.Kansas City Chiefs — Eric Fisher, OT. "So this makes like four real football players. That's progress, baby!"
2.Jacksonville Jaguars — Luke Joeckel, OT. "We still have a team?"
3.Miami Dolphins — Dion Jordan, DE. "This guy's going to be the next Jason Taylor! He's going to be the next Lawrence Taylor! He's going to be the next James Taylor!"
4.Philadelphia Eagles — Lane Johnson, OT. "What did you say about Mike Vick? Oh, you didn't say anything about Mike Vick. Sorry, I refuse to acknowledge that we're drafting in the top 10."
5.Detroit Lions — Ezekiel Ansah, DE. "At least he's not a wide receiver."
6.Cleveland Browns — Barkevious Mingo, OLB. "HIS NAME IS BARKEVIOUS. OUR BLEACHERS ARE CALLED THE DAWG POUND. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. *Realizes he lives in Cleveland* Nevermind."
7.Arizona Cardinals — Jonathan Cooper, OG. "If only we had four more first-round picks to select four more offensive linemen."
8.St. Louis Rams — Tavon Austin, WR. "Hey, you see the Cardinals game last night?"
9.New York Jets — Dee Milliner, CB. "Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
10.Tennessee Titans — Chance Warmack, OG. "Looks like we're going to take a CHANCE on him. ... Yes, you can put Nashville back on now."
11.San Diego Chargers — D.J. Fluker, OT. "Isn't this the guy who said he got paid while in college? God, he's probably taking a pay cut."
12.Oakland Raiders — D.J. Hayden, CB. "Oh, this guy's supposed to be... wait, he almost DIED in November? He tore his HEART? And now he's playing professional football? *faints*"
13.New York Jets — Sheldon Richardson, DT. "Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
14.Carolina Panthers — Star Lotulelei, DT. "Dude, you hear about this 14-year-old seven-footer who UNC's trying to sign? Apparently he likes Duke better, though."
15.New Orleans Saints — Kenny Vaccaro, FS. "Ugh. I hate seeing a New Orleans Saint next to that ginger bastard."
17.Pittsburgh Steelers — Jarvis Jones, OLB. "JARVIS JONES IS A FOOTBALL NAME. THIS GUY'S GONNA BE A FOOTBALL PLAYER. JAMES HARRISON CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL."
18.San Francisco 49ers — Eric Reid, FS. "I wonder if this guy knows Harbaugh won't play him a minute as a rookie? Anyway, cute kid."
19.New York Giants — Justin Pugh, OG. "How do you pronounce his last name? Like, P-U? Pew? Puhhhh? Not sure about this pick."
20.Chicago Bears — Kyle Long, DE. "I, for one, cannot WAIT to see Howie Long's kid eats Aaron Rodgers' face."
21.Cincinnati Bengals — Tyler Eifert, TE. "I can't follow the draft after Akili Smith. The PTSD's hard to deal with."
22.Atlanta Falcons — Desmond Trufant, CB. "So, our strategy's to only draft guys with dreadlocks now? I'm all for it."
23.Minnesota Vikings — Sharrif Floyd, DT. "SHERIFF'S IN TOWN, folks. Wait, we drafted a guy named Sharrif? Huh. I just meant that Sheriff Ron is back from vacation. Yeah, he said it was nice."
24.Indianapolis Colts — Bjoern Werner, DE/OLB. "His name's Bjoern Werner, Dad! I know, I thought he was a tennis player too."
25.Minnesota Vikings — Xavier Rhodes, CB. "Imagine going to Florida State and then getting drafted to play in Minnesota. Do you think he even owns a jacket?"
26.Green Bay Packers — Datone Jones, DE. "No mere football player can be a Green Bay Packer. This man needs to earn it. Until then, I will refer to him exclusively as 'dumb rookie.'"
27.Houston Texans — DeAndre Hopkins, WR. "Man, it's going to suck for Hopkins when he finds out that Schaub's his quarterback."
28.Denver Broncos — Sylvester Williams, DT. "At least he's not Tebow."
29.Minnesota Vikings — Cordarrelle Patterson, WR. " *had already turned the Draft off because who the hell has THREE first-round picks* "
30.St. Louis Rams — Alec Ogletree, OLB. "Remember when we could've drafted RGIII? That was cool. Good times."
31.Dallas Cowboys — Travis Frederick, OC. "Guy has a great beard. Too bad we gave Tony Romo all that money."
32.Baltimore Ravens — Matt Elam, S. "I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE WE WON THE SUPER BOWL"
