The Art Of Facecreeping

Creeping on people through social media is an art form, not an insecurity.

Some can sing, some can dance, I on the other hand can stalk your every online move through social media without you even noticing.

Ok that sounds pretty disturbing when I put it like that, what I maybe should of said is that through social media I have taken nosiness to a different level.

Being nosey about my friend’s, old school mate’s, frenemie’s, crush’s lives has led to something which I like to call ‘facecreeping’. I regularly creep on people’s Facebook profile or twitter accounts, I’ve even stooped to swatching linkedIn accounts. Hell, I even creep on people’s friends of friends, you know your onto a winner when their profile isn’t private. If I have you on any of these platforms then chances are - I’ve creeped on you.

I love facebook creeping, it’s part of my daily routine. What’s not to love about seeing your former schoolmates or colleagues, who in their hay-day ruled, receive their karmic retribution.

I’d like use the public interest defence here, however don’t be fooled into thinking that this is an easy job folks - no, no. Facecreeping is a form of art. As simple as it may seem, not everyone can do it. Getting away with it is the key.

The first point I’d like to emphasize is that it takes effort. You get what you put in people. Most often this translates into spending the time. If you wanna know what your ex has been up to or know what your up against with his/her’s new interest, then this requires a lot of starring into the black mirror my friends.

Second, choose your device carefully. Computers are the most reliable tools for facecreeping on someone. Facecreeping on a smartphone is a rookie mistake. The chances of you accidentally clicking ‘like’ are more probable. If you’re facecreeping then you’re likely to be trolling through past photos or posts and nothing will give you the fear more than accidentally ‘likeing’ an old photo or post as it exposes your creepiness.

Just like you wouldn’t go for a run on an empty stomach, do not approach your creeping with a weary attitude. This is the downfall for most people. Being tired whilst facecreeping can lead to a number of fatalities; confusing your status update for your search bar, again accidental liking something and the most unfortunate - accidentally sharing a post or picture. Embark on your facecreeping with a clear head and a steady hand, optimum time being around lunchtime.

Most importantly, and crucial to the key of facecreeping, do not let individuals know that you know what they’ve been up to. For example, casually meeting an individual who you’ve recently creeped on can be potentially disastrous. Through an exchange of pleasantries they, hypothetically, reveal to you that they had recently broken up with someone. This will not be new knowledge to you the creeper, and hence you’re faced with a dilemma. Divulging that you know such information exposes your creeping, therefore one must act surprised - “THAT IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION”, further concealing your creeping.

By discussing the art of facecreeping I have in affect revealed that I am a creep, but the thing is we all do it to some degree, just be smart about it people! I like to think of it as an adventure like i’m Chloe from 24, but I think that is just to take my mind off the fact that I am sitting in on a Friday night with no one but two men called Ben and Jerry to satisfy me.