1. On your butt, shorts aren’t shorts: They’re underwear.
Try harder, shorts.
2. And it’s impossible to wear them for more than 15 seconds without them bunching up between your thighs.
The first person to design shorts that don’t do that is going to make Scrooge McDuck amounts of money.
3. Plus, when you’re sitting, your thighs somehow double in size.
Look, EITHER FIT ME OR DON’T, SHORTS.
4. Not to mention that the crotch of your shorts can cause nonstop drama.
“These shorts really flatter my inner labia,” said no one in the history of vaginas.
5. The threat of chub rub makes skirts terrifying.
Forgetting to guard against burning, thigh-chafing horror that is chub rub is like forgetting deodorant: It’s not a big deal until around 2:30 p.m., when it becomes a total fucking emergency.
6. And if you end up with chub rub, you won’t be able to wear any skirts for at least two weeks.
And god help you if you get chafed thighs and wear a skirt two days in a row.
7. Tank Tops + Big Boobs + Hot Day = The burning fun of upper arm chafing!
Like getting a rug burn from your boobs!
8. Every time you bend over in a dress, you worry about whether or not your butt is still covered.
Sorry, everyone else on the street!
9. And no skirt ever fits you the same in the front as it does it the back.
10. You are always in danger of your boobs accidentally falling out of your tank top.
Boobies gonna boob.
11. Sweatiness isn’t just an underarm problem, it’s an EVERYWHERE problem.
And you know you have a good friend if you can commiserate with them about sweating through your underwear.
12. Because underboob sweat can and will strike at any moment.
By the middle of the afternoon, all of your tank tops will look like they’re wearing contouring makeup.
13. And one of your biggest secret fears is getting up and leaving a sweaty butt print somewhere.
Bonus points if everyone you know sees it!
14. And you HATE having to choose between covering up more and getting too hot.
RAWWWWWWRRRR YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M SWEATY.
15. But if you sit around totally naked, you’ll end up sweatier than you could ever possibly imagine.
16. No bathing suit fits you well in both the boobs and the butt.
17. And running in a bikini is faaaar more dangerous than it looks.
18. Not to mention that when you go into the ocean in a bathing suit, there is a 50% chance that you will pop out.
It is the ocean’s mission in life to make you topless.
19. Bikini bottoms only come in two sizes: digging into your hips, or falling off of them.
20. When you wear a screen-printed tank top, your boobs are going to stretch it out to death.
Whatever, you’re wearing it anyway.