1. Right, so there's about 42 branches of Zara on Oxford Street. I'm bound to find the dress I saw my friend wearing.
2. Plus it's usually such a civilised affair. No Primark-style distractions here.
3. Ooh, the windows look nice. It's all looking very fashionable.
4. And those boots are exactly like Yves Saint Laurent.
5. I WANT EVERYTHING.
6. It does look a bit like 1975 though.
7. I'm pretty sure that wasn't my favourite decade for fashion.
8. Plus the lighting seems brighter than usual.
9. Man, I look tired.
10. And my eyebrows are wonky.
11. OK, keep focused. Where is the dress?
12. She only bought it last week – surely it must be here?
13. Maybe she's lying to me. You can't trust anyone these days.
14. THERE'S A SALE – SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.
15. Four pounds off does not a sale make.
16. I wonder if I can pull off a top with a massive frill? Let me try it on.
17. It only comes in medium. Surely that's not allowed.
18. Oh, hello stretchy panel. I'm trying it on.
19. WOW, I love that playsuit on the mannequin. I must find it.
20. Playsuit is nowhere to be seen.
21. Member of staff says that all their stock is out. Lies, lies I tell you.
22. Not to worry, I've seen an embroidered smock instead.
23. This won't make me look pregnant at all.
24. Trying to find one without a layer of fake tan on it is proving tricky indeed.
25. Who does that?
26. I still haven't found the dress I actually came in for.
27. Must keep focused.
28. Is it odd that I'm drawn to the childrenswear department?
29. It's too cute! THERE ARE MINI DUNGAREES!
30. Do I know anyone with kids?
31. It's just as well my friends aren't at that stage of life yet.
32. I'll probably be coming to this section a lot more in a few years.
33. First the weddings, then the baby showers.
34. I'm tempted to try and squeeze into this age 13-14 denim jumpsuit.
35. It's so much cheaper.
36. OK, I really need to start trying proper clothes on now.
37. DA FUQ. Let me Snapchat the fitting room queue.
38. I wish I could be the kind of person who could just buy now and return later.
39. The kind of person who knows exactly what size they are in Zara.
40. Does that person actually exist?
41. All my items are falling off the hangers. I look ridiculous.
42. I hope the sales assistant isn't judging me for handing her a heap of clothes.
43. I did try to count them.
44. And now the fitting room curtains won't close. What is my life?
45. Right, so I've picked up three tops but didn't think to bring any bottoms in.
46. It's fine, I'm just going to try and gauge how I'm looking with my Bridget Jones pants on the bottom half.
47. Wow, the neckline is mighty tight for this top.
48. And there's no zip.
49. There's no way I'm getting the next size up just because of my fat neck.
50. Damn, I've just wiped my foundation on the inside.
51. I'm just as bad as those I previously chastised.
52. I think I'm stuck.
53. I really don't want to get a shop assistant to help.
54. Maybe I could phone a friend?
55. Best to take the whole thing off and start again.
56. I look slightly squashed.
57. Plus the long labels are annoying me.
58. There are washing instructions in every language invented.
59. Time to move on. This loose dress should be a no-brainer.
60. I do already have a few like this already. Maybe even in this shade of blue.
61. IT'S A SIZE SMALL AND IT FITS. So what if it's shaped like a tent, I'm buying it.
62. It'll probably sell out if I don't.
63. This is probably the best decision I've made all day.
64. Now, on to the next thing.
65. The slogan on this T-shirt makes no sense but I kind of want it anyway.
66. FFS, I've been in here for 40 minutes.
67. People might get worried.
68. I should probably leave.
69. Let me hide the soiled top underneath this jacket.
70. Ah, I forgot I left some bits with the shop assistant because I had too many items.
71. Really can't be bothered to get undressed again.
72. Now time to pay.
73. OH, GET IN, THERE'S A ZARA HOME BIT. How did I not know this?
74. There's palm-print bed linen! And it's reduced!
75. Look! A candle shaped like a fish.
76. OK, I need to stop getting carried away.
77. Don't I have somewhere to be?
78. Maybe just get the fruit-print cushion.
79. Right, I'm really going to pay now.
80. It comes to HOW MUCH?
81. All of those £29.99s really add up.
82. Oh well, I'll probably end up bringing it all back.
83. Definitely keeping the receipt in my purse.
84. FFS, it's raining.
85. And I have a paper bag. This won't end well.
86. Oooh, there's another Zara. Let me seek refuge.
87. OMG, THE DRESS!