1. What are you going to do after you graduate?
2. So like you’re going to be in school forever then?
3. Ugh what about student loans though, are you getting a crazy big scholarship?
4. No? Did you save up for tuition?
5. Aw, don’t you wish you’d saved all that money you spent drinking during your semester abroad?
6. Or not blown all of it on that epic spring break?
7. How’s that internship going?
8. Oh they took all of you time and energy and you have neither money or contacts to show for it?
Maybe they’ll give you a good reference, any good job offers on the horizon?
9. Ah so you’re inbetween gigs with now?
10. Did you ask any old professors or go to any ~ networking ~ events?
11. Actually what can you even do with that degree?
12. Are there any real paying jobs for liberal arts students?
13. That doesn’t involve serving food/coffee/alcohol or dealing with people bitching about sizes?
14. What are you working on today?
15. When is this deadline?
16. Did you fuck up the lunch/coffee order?
17. This needs more….idk, but it needs something right?
18. Did you finish doing my job so you can do your job?
19. Do you have any respect for the [trademarked brand here] system of doing things?
20. Does HR even care?
21. Does HR even exist?
22. Are you facebooking/gchatting/tweeting/instagramming/snapchatting/tumbling/reading BuzzFeed instead of working right now?
23. When do you think you’ll get promoted?
24. What’s the next step at this company for you?
25. Where [trademarked brand here] fit into your Five Year Plan?
26. Okay so are you working on any side gigs?
27. Do you think it’ll lead to anything legitimate?
28. Or are you just doing it for like the ~ experience ~ of being in a band?
29. Are you seeing anyone right now?
30. Aw no? Well what happened to that really nice person from that thing?
31. Are you on Tinder/Grindr/OkCupid?
28. Well since you online date, how would you feel about being set up with a friend of mine?
32. I mean if you’re brave enough to get drinks who might be a serial killer, what can’t you handle?
33. You got get out there sometime or another right?
34. You don’t want to go to [random college friend’s] wedding alone do you?
35. Aren’t you worried about your biological clock?
36. So I’m assuming you don’t really want kids right?
37. Are you one of those people who doesn’t believe in marriage?
38. You do believe in marriage? Then when do you think you’ll get married?
39. How is it possible to like guys AND girls?
40. Aren’t you worried about if your parents will approve?
41. But like is the sex incredible?
42. Ugh so jealous, don’t you feel lucky to be single?
43. Did you get the milk I texted you about on the way home?
44. Have you filed your taxes?
45. Does your health insurance cover this?
47. You can’t get a refund on this, didn’t you read the terms and conditions?
48. Would you like to sign into this app with another social media service so that everyone in your family can judge you?
49. Can you admit to yourself that you legitimately have experienced FOMO?
50. Can you even balance your checkbook?
51. How are you saving for your future?
52. What are you even doing with your life?
53. This is Time Warner, what seems to be the problem?