12 Things That Can Ruin Your First Time According To “New Girl”

And also the one thing that can make it PERFECT. Huge spoilers for this week’s episode.

1. Needing additional apparatus to get out of your clothes.

2. Sudden bleeding.

Also why were there two steak knives but no scissors in that hotel room?

3. Too much lube. Like an industrial sized jar of lube.

4. Accepting help from your roommate no matter how well-meaning they are.

5. Also any wrastlin’ breaks that aren’t with the person you are planning on having sex with.

Really this one’s terrible for the the third person too.

6. Sleeping with a hooker paid for by your best friend’s dad.

7. And not realizing it till a decade later.

8. Tears. Endless tears.

9. Getting stuck inside a toy castle on a playground.

And then having to ask kids for help. Really Jess? Have you never heard of stranger danger?

10. Because the park bench you first tried to have sex on was occupied by a corpse.

11. Also if the person you’re trying to have sex with confesses that they might be gay while being rescued by firemen.

But you know what will make the whole experience rainbows and sunshine and boxes of kittens like? NOT THINKING ABOUT IT.

DAMN MILLER LOOK AT YOU SWEEP THAT GIRL OFF HER FEET.

NO SERIOUSLY LOOK AT ALL THIS NOT THINKING ABOUT IT!!!

DEAD. DYING.

EVERYTHING’S PERFECT AND NOTHING HURTS.

STILL CAN’T GET OVER THIS. IT FINALLY HAPPENED. THEY ARE SO IN LOVE.

12. Until you realize that maybe…you might have to deal with the repercussions of not thinking about it.

Dear Nick and Jess, please don’t freak out and run away from each other next week and send everyone who watches this show into an emotional tailspin. You guys are really good together. Figure it out. Talking usually helps.

Bonus! The one thing that will never ruin sex. Breakfast!

And I guess Mick Jagger if you’re Cece.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

Facebook Conversations
          
    Now Buzzing