1. The Smotherer
Is it getting a little hard to breathe in here? Damn, when they said “love is in the air,” we did NOT know it would be this pungent. The Smotherer is great at first; they offer the confidence boost you need/wanted. They don’t leave you guessing if they are going to text you or wondering if they are attracted to you. The Smotherer really lays it all on the table. However, this type of 14-year-old, write-you-a-poem-in-their-AIM-profile, obsession gets old quick.
2. The Project
Ugh, we all want to fix someone. Maybe we have been watching too much HGTV. The Project has so much damn potential but so many hurdles in their way. The Project can be rewarding, because sometimes you really can help change a person for the better. But remember: you are NOT The Property Brothers or Ty Pennington, so be prepared for same person to be on the other side when you “MOVE THAT BUS!”
3. The Player
The Player is charming, funny, and knows exactly what to say and when to say it. You might have started talking to The Player when they were dating someone else—but you’re different, right? Wrong. It’s all about the chase for The Player so beware; once they get you, they will be on to the next.
4. The Hipster
They drink black coffee, smoke cigarettes, and listen to records on vinyl. They watch indie films with subtitles and have been published to unheard of literary magazines. And you are just waiting for them to figure out they are too cool for you. The Hipster is great. You are basically taking a college level course and dating someone at the same time.
5. The Instigator
The Instigator isn’t happy until you’re unhappy. Fighting keeps things interesting, and they will find a reason to fight over pretty much anything. What did you say? You bought unsalted peanuts rather than regular ones? God, it’s like you DON’T EVEN KNOW ME.
6. The Romantic
I’d like to thank Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in The Notebook, and The Academy for The Romantic. The Romantic writes you poems, makes mix tapes, and plans elaborate dates for you. If you are really feeling the person, The Romantic can be great. However, if you become uninterested, The Romantic morphs into The Smotherer real quick.
7. The Sports Fanatic
Touchdown! I mean, goal. Shit, I don’t know. When you started dating The Sports Fanatic, you really tried to care. You downloaded the ESPN app, you even put the game on a hushed whisper in the background while you read a magazine. You really are giving it the ol’ College try with the Sports Fanatic. The Sports Fanatic can be a great, laid-back person to date in all other aspects of the relationship – except sports. Whatever you do, don’t talk during the game; silently google your questions on your smart phone. When in doubt with the Sports Fanatic just ask: “What time’s the game?” There is always a game on. Somewhere. Sometime. For some sport.
8. The One That Keeps You Guessing
You aren’t really sure what changed between Monday and Wednesday for The One That Keeps You Guessing. You go out, you have a great time, and then you don’t hear from them for weeks. It’s almost like they have a sixth sense that tells them when you start moving on from them, and just like that, they pop back up on your radar.
9. The Detective
This little Sherlock Holmes takes proceeding with caution in relationships to a whole new level. They are checking text messages, they want to know your Facebook password, and they are CONVINCED that when you met your mom out for dinner last week, you were actually meeting a lover. The Detective’s jealously was kind of cute at first. It made you feel cared about, but after a while it’s too much, and frankly—annoying.
10. The Serious One
Life is not a joking matter to The Serious One. The Serious One is going places, doing things, and is the straight-liney face emoji embodied (not that they would ever dare dabble in the art of emojis). The Serious One likes to talk politics, religion, and watch Capote, and they are definitely not reading this BuzzFeed post.
11. The One That Isn’t Serious Enough
The One That Isn’t Serious Enough drives you crazy. They take being “care-free” to a whole new level. You want them to care about something, anything; you would be happy if they had a passion for being a crossing guard; it really doesn’t matter to you. The One That Isn’t Serious Enough doesn’t get stressed—which stresses you out.
12. The Coaster
Nothing can rattle The Coaster. The Coaster is the type of person that copied homework before class in high school and got a better grade than you. The Coaster never had any internship but got a full-time job before you. Life with The Coaster is good, almost too good. They are so laid-back sometimes it seems they don’t care about anything. However, unlike The One That Isn’t Serious Enough, The Coaster doesn’t need to worry about anything, because annoyingly enough, things will work out for them either way.
13. The Funny One
Everyone loves The Funny One. Literally, all of your friends want to date them, too. The Funny One captivates the room. They are so witty and on-point that you wonder where the hell they are reading these perfectly timed cultural quips from. The Funny One is a real gem to hold on to.
14. The Hot Dumb One
The Hot Dumb One makes you sad to even think about. They are SO hot. But also SO dumb. The Hot Dumb One is fun to go out with; that is, in a place with extremely loud music or no conversation required.
15. The One You Keep Going Back To
No matter how many times it hasn’t worked out, no matter how sure you are it won’t work out again, we always find our way back to some people. The One You Keep Going Back To has a magnetic pull on you; they are always in the back of your mind, and you will stupidly ditch the nice new person for a third, fourth, or seventeenth shot with them.
16. The Keeper
The Keeper is perfect. They are nice, they listen to you, they have a sense of humor, and you never fight with them. Sounds kinda boring, right? For the twenty-something, sadly enough, we usually don’t keep The Keeper.
17. The One Your Mom Likes
Your mom honestly might like them more than you like them. Actually, your mom might like them more than she likes you. The One Your Mom Likes is a real charmer. They will watch football with your dad and wash the dishes while your mom dries them. They become a part of your family, which means if you ever have to break up with them, breaking the news to your mom will be harder than breaking the news to them.
18. The One Your Mom Hates
You might as well be a Capulet while they’re a Montague. Your parents absolutely despise them, and if they could “forbid” you to see them, they would; hell, maybe they’ve tried. It’s kind of fun dating The One Your Mom Hates for a bit, but after a while it gets old.
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