Hi. I'm Kirsten. I'm pretty bad at first dates. I blame this on the traumatic near-death experience I had in which I physically choked on spaghetti during a first date (shout-out to the dude who offered me the Heimlich maneuver, if you're reading this).
Anyways, I just recently got back on Tinder. And since I've been on, BOY HAVE I LEARNED A LOT. So I decided who better to share my wisdom with than a bunch of strangers on the internet?
Fuckboys come in all shapes and sizes. Use that beautiful noggin of yours and this handy guide to spot a fuckboy before you swipe right. Tinder is highly populated with the following types of fuckboys:
1. The Gym Rat Fuckboy: The Gym Rat Fuckboy's first picture is definitely a shirtless mirror picture. He might even have MULTIPLE shirtless mirror pics; maybe one's in the gym and one's in the comfort of his own home (complete with toothpaste on his bathroom mirror and everything).
2. The Horrifying Fuckboy: Nothing turns you on like seeing a picture of a guy holding a dead animal, amirite?! (Hint: I'm wrong.) The Horrifying Fuckboy poses with terrifying things like a gun, a dead cat, or full set of knives.
3. The Hooters Fuckboy: The Hooters Fuckboy got to take a picture with some hot girls with large breasts one time, HOW COOL IS THAT? HOW COOL IS HE?!
4. The Sketch Fuckboy: The Sketch Fuckboy has NO pictures of his face on Tinder. So he's either a) on America's Most Wanted or b) cheating on someone.
5. The Married Fuckboy: The Married Fuckboy literally has WEDDING PHOTOS as his Tinder picture. If his wife asks, he "made that profile forever ago and forgot about it."
There's nothing worse than a premature right swipe. You come across some nice-looking dude, maybe he even has a dog in his picture — A DOG! And you get overly excited and right-swipe him before fully reading his profile.
Then you do a more in-depth read of his profile and it probably says one of the following: "Swipe right if you want your world rocked," "Message me if you a size 2 or under," or "Work hard, play hard."
There's no "undo" button on Tinder, so if you swipe your soulmate left THEY COULD BE GONE FOREVER. Shout out to the dude riding a skateboard alongside his adorable dog that I accidentally left-swiped last night. We could have had it all.
Kevin or Klint here might have seemed like the one after their first picture (I mean, probably not, but still). And then lo and behold, when you get to the third or fourth picture they could be holding a LITERAL KNIFE.
This is why it's so important to scroll through ALL of their pictures. And sometimes it's totally necessary to scroll through all of them BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ONLY POST GROUP PICS AND I'M NOT TRYING TO PLAY WHERE'S WALDO, OK?
If you have mutual connections that is a GODSEND. Your friends can tell you if the person you're thinking about dating likes terrible things like burning ants under magnifying glasses or Iggy Azalea's rapping.
Overall, it's a big bad world out there. Especially on Tinder. So go forth and conquer – but if you ever receive messages like the ones below, there's a handy-dandy block button that is your best friend in the world!
