Goodbye Goldenballs: Looking Back At Beckham's Ca(rear)

By fulfilling all the criteria required of a sporting icon, David Beckham is the marker that all other athletes should be striving to reach. As he heads into retirement, we called upon Kickette to describe the parts of Beckham('s career) that will be missed the most.

While football fans will be ruing the loss of a goalscoring guru, it's his physical presence on the pitch that we will be remember with equal fondness. It's important to recognize this man's contribution to life, the universe and our highly-inappropriate fantasy world.

He generously takes his clothes off a lot . For fun and profit. He's also thoughtful. By having beautiful kids he has ensured that we will be replete with material in twenty years time when he is arguably past his best. And yes, he is versatile; able to recover from even the most hideous of hair situs.

Why is David's decision to hang up his boots such a tragic one? Allow us.

1. Because the man practically invented the sweaty side-eye.

With just a small slant of an eyelid and a physical upshift of his brow, this really is the meanest level of mug anyone can offer. We can only describe how this bitchin’ brow makes us feel: all sorts of nervous awkwardness, shameful for staring and guilty for the dirty thoughts that follow.

Like any good car alarm, David's grimacing glare pops off without warning, can be unrelenting (at times) and will maim your ego and shame your intellect.

2. Because his abs are/were fab.

Goodbye, abs. We will miss you. And you. And you on the bottom left the most.

3. Because he slips up every now and then.

Thus proving this superstar is, sometimes, just like the rest of us (except not really).

4. Because he can pull off a sumo wrestler squat.

How he made this look attractive, we’ll never know.

5. Because it's always a shame to say farewell to an old friend, but we find it so much harder when they're buff as hell and brandishing babies.

6. Because he has bubble bum.

Suddenly we understand every man’s need to stroke the contours of an expensive car.

7. Because sexual harassment in the workplace need not apply.

David has always had a hard time keeping his hands and heart to himself. Well done him.

8. Because he inspired men to take group trips to the loo.

9. Because he’s a short tent showoff.

Goldenballs, we raise a glass of bubbly to you. (New to Kickette? Unfamiliar with the term 'short-tent'? Just follow Thomas Muller - he's happy to show you.)

10. Because we generally love his perfectly-sculpted silhouette and will sorely miss it.

Having spent several years titillating us with various protruding body parts, it seems fitting that DB signed off his illustrious career with a cheeky tongue pop.

11. David Beckham made it OK for European soccer players to appear on massive billboards wearing nothing but tighty whities

All hail the patron saint of Y-fronts.

Oh, and he didn't have a bad career either.

buzzfeed.com

This list was compiled by the legendary Kickette for KICKTV.