Bachelor Season 19 Episode 5 Recap, A.K.A. "OMG WHAT EVEN!?"

Your weekly Bachelor drama with a heavy dose of lolz.

ABC

The episode starts off when Chris announces that they’re going to travel to Santa Fe, New Mexico. The girls are excited and Megan prepares to go “out of the country.” Face-palm.

Carly gets the first date card. It reads, “Let’s come together.”

Carly has high hopes for this date, but it starts to seem more like a bizarre episode of Medium when a "love and intimacy mentor" (i.e. whichever poor ABC exec. pulled the short-straw and had to slap on some feather earrings) waves burning sage around Carly's body like she's a historic home harboring a ghost with unfinished business.

ABC

Things get even weirder as she commands Carly to “SMELL HIM!” and then has her caress Chris with a variety of fruits. Carly does exactly what I would have done in this situation and makes Chris look like a pretty pretty princess by applying chocolate sauce lipstick with an oversized strawberry.

This whole date is basically ABC saying: “We left Chris’ door unlocked. We provided MULTIPLE hot tubs. We have said on at least 10000000 occasions that there are NO RULES…and STILL you all REFUSE to have regrettable sex with each other. If you can’t figure out how to do it, we will do it FOR you!”

ABC

Unhappy with the lack of sexual tension stemming from the fruit fondling exercises, The “Love Guru” decides to take things to the next level and instructs Carly to bend over with her butt in the air while Chris stands behind her and “massages her inner thighs.” (This position will henceforth be known as “Downward Doggy Style”)

Ok, seriously? This is a FIRST DATE. Chris does not even know this chick’s LAST NAME.

The “Love Guru” then cuts to the chase and has them undress each other, saying how with each article of clothing they shed they are shedding some piece of emotional baggage. It’s an interesting theory. I mean, how often do you find yourself thinking, “That chick I know that is constantly getting naked with random dudes is really emotionally stable.” All the time, right? Lolz.

As Carly is forced to take Chris’ shirt off, she says, “This is the worst date of my life.” When both she and Chris decide that it’s way too uncomfortable to take off each other’s pants, the “Love Guru” agrees to a compromise. They can keep their pants on…if they confess one of their deepest insecurities. Carly takes the deal and confesses that she doesn’t feel worthy of love…while half-naked…on national television. Spending their date living out the plot of Saw would have been less traumatizing.

ABC

The “Love Guru” then tells Carly to sit on Chris’ lap, and has him breathe in her breath as she exhales, and vice versa. With all the microphones, it sounds like Darth Vader having an orgasm. If I really like someone on a first date, I MIGHT share dessert. He can keep his damn breath.

As it turns out, the date card was right though—Chris and Carly did “come together” as a result of this date. They became closer in the same way that 2 people are bonded by a traumatic experience—like being held hostage, or witnessing a murder that they can never speak to anyone else about.

After getting them as sexually charged as humanly possible, ABC sends the two off on their own to a cozy cabin. ABC must have been so bummed when they just talked more. Carly says she thinks that she’ll stop being insecure as soon as a guy makes it clear that he wants to bone her. That’s the same logic that leads me to think that I’ll start being motivated to diet and exercise as soon as I finish eating my Halloween candy. The faster I eat it the sooner I can get back on track!

Carly gets a rose.

The group date card reads: “I’m falling rapidly in love.”

The date was white water rafting. This surprised Kaitlyn, who expected the date to be “rapid firing” guns at a shooting range (which would have been way cooler). After the rafting guy basically explained to them in no uncertain terms that they were ALL GOING TO DIE, he tells them to have fun. The girls look terrified—like they just found out that Sephora was all out of bronzer.

The date is pretty uneventful except that Jade falls overboard and Chris rescues her with his oar. Jade then says that she has a condition that causes her body to go into hypothermia at normal temperatures, and requires Chris to massage her feet. Nice try, Nebraska, but if you really knew how to Bachelor, your condition would have required one-on-one dates.

ABC

They arrive back at the hotel for a major plot twist. Jordan (a.k.a. “Drunk off her ass” Jordan) who was eliminated in week 2 came back. BITCH CAME BACK—SHE DROVE. She just casually swung by Santa Fe after a quick 8-hour drive from Colorado? That’s Lady Astronaut level shit. She obviously wanted back in, and Chris initially looked torn. But then Jordan started talking about God—how she believed something brought her here—and now that something had brought her back. Ok, we can all agree that something brought you back here…but last I checked a stolen car, 2 packs of STAY ALERT gum and a diaper are not God.

In any event, Chris walks into the cocktail party with Jordan, arms linked. If looks could kill, that chick would be 11 kinds of dead.

Chris does this hilarious thing where he asks the other girls if they have a problem with this. The girls plaster smiles on their faces while they dig through their clutches for Xanax. Ashley I. pulls Chris aside and breaks the #1 rule of the Bachelor by talking smack about Jordan. It’s possible that he didn’t even hear the words she said though because of the dress she was wearing, which would best be described as an A-line cocktail napkin.

ABC

Chris, eventually crippled by the palpable passive aggression emanating from the other girls, decides to send Jordan home after all. Jordan hugs the other girls before she goes. Kelsey whispers, “I’ll always admire you” which just felt cruel and sarcastic given the context. Ashley I. hugs her goodbye with a Hilary-Duff’s-first-veneers-sized smile. BYE FELICIA.

ABC

Britt gets the next date card. It reads, “The sky’s the limit.”

She immediately bursts into tears because she’s terrified of heights.

You can see the other girls thinking, “If you really cared about Chris you would be worrying less about plummeting to your death and more about taking a damn shower.” Because that’s the thing—apparently this chick hasn’t showered in weeks! Not only that, but she goes to bed in FULL make-up! How does she look so good?? What is she snorting Accutane? DAMN.

ABC

Chris wakes her up at like 4:30am to go on their date. He sneaks into their room and shushes the other girls he’s dating so that he can kiss Britt. Rude. He is amazed at how she looks “just as beautiful in the morning as she does when she is all dolled up.” Does he really think her lips are naturally magenta and that she was born with glittery eyelids? She IS all dolled up, fool!

Their date is on a hot air balloon, which flies over a massive canyon. Surprisingly, the girl that was crying the night before due to her fear of heights jumps up and down squealing with excitement. Afterwards they go back to Chris’ hotel room and half-naked Chris closes his bedroom doors so that they can “nap.” Mk.

When Britt gets back and tells the other girls that they “napped,” all of the girls had called bullshit and developed a plan of attack before they even blinked. Kelsey heads straight to his room for secret private time to tell him that she is a widow. She clearly thinks that telling him she is a widow is basically a get-out-of-jail-free card. Instant immunity for the widow? Is this a thing? She told “her story” (she constantly refers to the death of her husband as a “story” which is creepy, especially when combined with several verbatim key phrases) earlier to the girls. They were all mildly horrified since she told it with the same amount of emotion that someone might respond with when asked how often they clip their toenails. She perhaps took notes because when she repeated the story to Chris, she amped up the drama, and described her husband’s death in the same manner that I would try to act “sorry for speeding, Officer” (sniffle, sniffle). I am not in the business of telling people how to mourn, but I am still upset about losing my Marc Jacobs sunglasses 2 summers ago…which is approximately 6 months longer than her husband has been gone. I am apparently not the only one who felt she was being eerily nonchalant. “Sanderson Poe cause of death” appeared in the Google search drop-down as soon as I typed in “Sanderson.”

ABC

After she tells Chris her story and makes out with his face, she giddily tells the camera: “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic. But it’s amazing. I love my story!” Cue the psycho movie music…REE REE REE

That night things get weird at the cocktail party (err, the sitting around before the cocktail party). Chris comes down and begins saying that he had a very emotional conversation with Kelsey…then he gets flustered and leaves the room. All eyes are now on Kelsey. Kelsey is eating this shit up like it is fat-free ice cream.

ABC

She blinks a lot and makes wiping motions under her eyes (despite the lack of any actual tears) while she tells the girls about her conversation with Chris and how she told him that she was a widow.

ABC

She then smiles SO smugly as she says that she feels “very comfortable”…that she knows she’s not going…and that she is really sad that she’ll have to say goodbye to one of them tonight.

ABC

You could almost see the sky go dark and become electric with cartoon lightening bolts behind her—like she was the villain in a Disney movie. She might as well have been stirring a cauldron and cackling.

However, when Chris Harrison comes back in to announce that the cocktail party for tonight is cancelled because Farmer Chris knows what his decision is…her confidence seems to take a hit. So what does she do? I have no idea…but when we next see her, she is moaning, screaming and lying on the floor having a “panic attack” that sounds way more like a theatrical sex scene from a musical.

The cocktail party is cancelled…and this season's villain is born.