18. Ricky McKinney in 2000’s “Pay it Forward”
Bon Jovi plays Helen Hunt’s abusive alcoholic ex-husband. So on a scale of sexy to not sexy he gets a firm definitely not sexy at all.
17. Himself on “Las Vegas” in 2005
Bon Jovi plays himself, and is so uninteresting that he’s upstaged by a performance by Gladys Knight. He also wears a football uniform = not a good look.
16. Himself on “30 Rock” in 2010
His appearance as a plant that Liz mistakes as Bon Jovi is almost better than watching the actual Bon Jovi in this episode.
15. Jamey Meadows in 1998’s “Row Your Boat”
He plays a census worker who inexplicably spends a scene dancing around whilest drinking. WE’LL TAKE IT.
14. Derek Bliss in 2002’s “Vampires: Los Muertos”
Derek Bliss is a great name but he’s a “freelance vampire slayer” and since vampires are inherently unsexy, no matter how much Twilight tries to convince us otherwise, his mere proximity to them really dampens down any attractive qualities he could have. Also those sunglasses are atrocious.
13. Frank Hopper in “National Lampoon’s Pucked”
His character in this movie thinks it’s a great idea to start a women’s hockey league as a pyramid scheme. This is such a terrible idea that it’s painful to remember that he was a viable candidate for Sexiest Man Alive.
12. Himself on “The West Wing” in 2006
He has the communication director of a presidential campaign swooning over him, but his hair is at an all-time low, really bringing down the sexy factor.
11. Jon in 1997’s “Destination Anywhere”
He spends most of this movie brooding and fighting with Demi Moore over the death of their child. On the plus side, he wears a lot of leather.
10. Lieutenant Pete Emmett in 2000’s “U-571”
Unfortunately for the world, he does die but NOT by being decapitated as was originally planned.
9. Danny in 1998’s “Homegrown”
There is a scene where his character takes care of his girlfriend’s daughter, which is just about the cutest thing ever. Unfortunately there is also a scene where he is in a hot tub smoking a joint with Hank Azaria and Billy Bob Thorton which is something I’d like to unsee.
8. Rich Walker in 2005’s “Cry Wolf”
Bon Jovi WITH GLASSES aka nerd chic aka sexy schoolteacher.
7. Jensen in 2011’s “New Year’s Eve”
♫ SINGING ALERT ♫. Bon Jovi plays a rockstar with no last name who sings a cover of the John Hiatt song “Have A Little Faith In Me” on New Year’s Eve. Everyone knows that Bon Jovi singing is +1000 times hotter than Bon Jovi not singing.
6. Michael in 1998’s “No Looking Back”
For some reason his girlfriend in this movie is torn between Bon Jovi and Edward Burns. Girlfriend, you’re crazy! Edward Burns is not hotter than Bon Jovi!
5. Victor Morrison on “Ally McBeal” in 2002
♫ SINGING ALERT.♫ Bon Jovi performs a cover of Tom Waits’ “I Hope That I Don’t Fall In Love With You” for Ally, of which there is a poor quality video here.
4. Robin Grange in 1996’s “The Leading Man”
Bon Jovi’s character is asked by his boss to seduce his wife so she becomes distracted about the fact that he himself is having an affair. But then it gets super complicated when the boss gets jealous because who would not get jealous about Bon Jovi seducing their wife?
3. Kevin in 1997’s “Little City”
His character Kevin is a bartender who is a recovering alcoholic who literally has women falling over him the whole movie, which means he can sleep with basically whoever he wants, which is exactly how it should be.
2. The Painter in 1995’s “Moonlight and Valentino”
He’s so sexy in this movie that he doesn’t even have a name and is only credited as “The Painter.” Also Whoopi Goldberg says, “Oh! What a good ass!” when she first, uh, sees him.
1. Seth on “Sex and the City” in 1999
The sexiest thing about Seth is that after he sleeps with a woman, in his words, “I completely lose interest.” Bon Jovi: so sexy he’s unhealthy.