What Watching Football Is Like For Non-Fans

"Game Day" means nothing when you went to art school for 20 years.

When people ask, "did you watch the game!?"

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No. I did absolutely everything and anything other than sit down for 3 hours to watch modern gladiators. But sometimes I say yes just so you'll leave me alone.

Trying to understand the game (when you are forced to watch).

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Like trying to learn Finnish while listening to R Kelly... with the stomach flu.

Terminology.

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You can only pretend to know what’s going on for so long before you have to secretly google obscure terms like safety and touch-down ("I'm just texting my mom.") That is, if you want to act like you are interested in more than shiny pants and biceps bigger than your head.

Drunk fans.

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Like Santacon minus Santa and a reason to be shitfaced at noon.

Proving you're a fan on social media.

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Thanks for blowing up my Instagram with photos of your family in a set of custom jerseys. Not.

Commercials.

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No, not the ones from the Superbowl (don’t even start), I mean the one’s where the athlete du jour is claiming his mom feeds him Campbell’s Chunky soup in the most monotone voice ever. Or when the star of your team endorses some carpet cleaning company in a nearby suburb that you would never, ever use.

Coaches chewing gum.

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IS CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN MANDATORY IN COACHING SCHOOL OR WHAT!?

Team gear.

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Is there anything they don’t make with a sports logo? I just want to shout, “you know a seven year old in China was paid seven cents to make those Broncos shoes, right!?” Also, no, a jersey cannot be "dressed up."

Rivalries.

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You can't even mention other cities to your friends that like football. Even if you're just telling someone in Seattle you went to San Francisco for the weekend they'll whine about how much they hate the 49ers. There are too many beefs to keep track of, plus no one tells you why they even exist. It seems like everyone has issues with the Cowboys (and the Giants and the Eagles and the Steelers) so you're better off never talking about any of them, or any city, ever.

Colors.

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Who would mix black and yellow in any other circumstance aside from dressing as a bumblebee for Halloween? Purple and yellow!? Dear god. Sports colors are incredibly hard to rock without feeling like a cartoon. Or a parody. Of yourself.

Tailgating.

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In theory it sounds fun. People hanging out eating hotdogs waiting for the game to start. Until you get there. And all you can see for miles are people wearing the same color and it smells like A1 sauce and old people breath.

The food.

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Wings? Chips? Unidentifiable white dips? Melted cheese? Charred meat? Everything seems to be creamy, fried, spicy, and ready to give you a massive heart attack.

Cheerleaders.

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Is RuPaul styling these girls?

How fans looooove each other.

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A football fan could think someone was a total dick until the second they slip on the same team's jersey and BAM they're immediately besties. Us outsiders may never understand it, but we're glad you're having fun. Just please don't make us watch with you.