4. Please observe this deep-fried Twinkie burger from Philly restaurant PYT:
5. Philly also has a doughnut bun burger.
6. Philadelphians eat something called a Krimpet. WHAT EVEN IS A KRIMPET?!?!
8. There’s a swiss cheese masturbator who was caught repeatedly crankin’ off with a chunk of cheese:
10. When a pervert tried to expose himself to local high school “Goretti girls,” they kicked his ass.
17. Eagles fans are so rowdy that there was an in-house jail and court inside Veterans Stadium. This is Judge Seamus McCaffery who ruled over Eagles court:
The new stadium has better security measures, and doesn’t need the court, apparently.
19. And in 1968, Eagles fans even pelted Santa with snowballs.
True story. Watch this little ESPN feature on it — it’s really funny.
20. This Phillies fan admitted to purposely vomiting on an 11-year-old girl.
21. Phillies fans have been known to throw D batteries at players who declined to join their team.
They threw them at J.D. Drew of the Cardinals in 1999 after he chose to go back to the draft.
22. Female Phillies fans attempted to put Ex-Lax into the food of a Giants player they saw at a restaurant.
Smooth move, Philadephia. Smooth move.
23. The Eagles and the Phillies shared a box of porn that was stashed in Veterans Stadium.
Something kind of gross about sharing porn, right? But former Eagle Hollis Thomas admitted it was true.
25. Speaking of words that don’t make any sense anywhere else, this is a map of where “Mischief Night” is used (in blue):
29. Some mystery person keeps putting insane “Toynbee tiles” over the city:
30. The Philly mob had its own softball team.
This 2000 article about how the team led by George Borgesi (acquitted of racketeering just this year!) was rallying after losing many of its best players to jail is probably the best thing you will read all day. Way better than this, at least.
32. Beloved weatherman John Bolaris got hoodwinked by two Russian women into spending $43K at a Miami nightclub.
33. And then his girlfriend took over his Twitter while he slept and offered to share her nudes.
34. There’s a whole museum dedicated to gross medical stuff.
The Mutter Museum is super creepy and fascinating and definitely worth visiting.
35. The entire city is actually controlled by cats with laser paws. This is 100% factual.
Many citizens of Philadelphia don’t even know it’s true due to the mind control beams the cats use.
36. There’s a statue of a guy from some boxing movie in front of the fancy art museum:
STAY WEIRD, PHILLY!!!!
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