1. Burt’s Bees
You went through a lengthy tomboy phase in your youth, and perhaps that’s why you still, despite all evidence to the contrary, consider yourself low-maintenance and earthy. You’re interested in the words “organic” and “hand-crafted,” if not always the actual things that come after them. Among your friend group, you’re the one who most frequently suggests organizing a picnic.
2. Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker
You’re a loyalist — once you find something (or someone) you love, you go all in. You’re a great listener, and devoted, and the kind of friend who screams and runs to her friends each time she sees them. You are overjoyed to be alive!!!!! You will never, ever leave those you love, even if those things cut up your lips ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly at first, and then not, leaving you hunched over and wild-eyed every five minutes to swipe it around your mouth, once, twice, three times.
3. Lip Plumping Lip Gloss
You’re familiar with face contouring and bodycon dresses, and you have a favorite Kardashian. Your speech vacillates between vocal fry and uptalk, and that may lead others to dismiss you as silly and superficial — but everyday you put on armor, and any man who kisses your stinging, burning lips will be sorry.
4. Smith’s Rosebud Salve
Impulsive and suggestible, you often arrive at your hobbies and preferences by accident or passing whim. Your money floats freely in your bag, equal to your used tissues. You have made two or more copies of your apartment keys, and they are now gone. A weed dealer is programmed into your phone under a clever code name. Everyone is jealous of your hair.
When you’re waiting in line at the grocery store and you glance over at the magazine racks next to you, you don’t recognize any of the people you see on their covers. You “don’t watch TV,” but not in an annoying “I’m sending a message” way. Truly, you seem to live under a rock. Untouched by lab-produced chemicals all their lives, your lips have rarely needed additional moisture, but once in a while, when you have a cold, you’ll rummage around in the kitchen drawer for that rusted old tin of Carmex.
6. Red Lipstick
You ascribe motive to activities that are otherwise parts of everyday life — “revenge haircuts,” “retail therapy.” One of the more significant, long-term missions of your life has been to find a good, timeless, faux-leather jacket. You would like to be thought of as mysterious, but in the long list of words that come to mind when people try to describe you, that’s never been one of them.
7. Black Lipstick
You are either: a very shy and disillusioned 15-year-old girl who wears oversized sweatshirts, tried a cigarette for the first time last week, and is in the process of redecorating her bedroom in posters of musicians with greasy hair; OR: You are intensely, exhaustingly cool — the kind of person at whom everyone takes one look and says “I wish I could pull that off.” Congratulations on being so cool.
8. eos Smooth Lip Balm Sphere
You are a popular teen with cool hair and crop tops and cutoff shorts so short the pockets hang through the bottom.
9. A Bright Lip Crayon
You have had, or have aspired to have, a beauty blog. Or at least a beauty tutorial video. Your friends treat you as a sage of secret feminine knowledge, which you relish deeply. You become antagonistic when Sephora employees approach you to ask if you need help. Do YOU need HELP??? Please.
You’re a busy mom with lots of cool rings and an attractive, subtle manicure. Your bag — Longchamp, very organized — doesn’t have much inside it aside from your day planner, a beautiful leather wallet, and a bejeweled keychain; you don’t like to spend your free moments on making up your face, but sometimes in the car, after dropping off your kids, you put on a little dot of Vaseline to start your day.
You are EITHER: every fictional female character that’s ever been described as “blond, long-limbed, carefree, naturally beautiful, twinkly-eyed, rosy-cheeked, adventurous, and good at soccer;” OR: you are a boy, who, even though boy’s lips must get dry too sometimes, will apply this balm furtively and ashamedly, which is the fault of the patriarchy.