1. Well, from the very beginning, Jimmy Cooper was hitting on someone else’s wife.
You dated twenty years ago! Get over it!
2. Then he stole a bunch of people’s money to “provide for his family…”
…and kept acting like it wasn’t a big deal, smugly telling Holly’s dad the cotillion “wasn’t the time” to talk about Jimmy stealing a quarter of a million dollars from him.
3. Jimmy Cooper totally ruined his daughter’s cotillion.
And she was wearing THAT DRESS! The one Ryan helped her fasten the back of! Sensually!
4. Then he whined and whined and whined about having to actually deal with the consequences of stealing millions of dollars.
… all the while neglecting to consider how his behavior is impacting his volatile family members!
5. Julie was right: Jimmy Cooper should have been put in jail right then and there.
7. Because Jimmy walked, and while he was being divorced by Julie, he did this:
(I do NOT agree with that banner.)
8. Jimmy, the largest and oldest baby, didn’t tell Marissa about the divorce until she was in Tijuana. Then THIS happened:
9. From day one of the divorce Jimmy tried to turn Marissa against her mom, because all he cared about was the “kiddo” thinking he was cool.
And yes, Julie was conniving at times but, in retrospect, doesn’t going away to in-patient therapy sound like a good idea for Marissa?
10. THEN he hooked up with Kirsten’s 25-year-old sister, Hailey.
But he did a kind of terrible job with that too — he only talked to Marissa about it after he got caught.
11. He proposed to her in a moment of mid-life crisis, because he was busy being drunk on a boat instead of being a dad.
But she was smart, so she said no and fled.
12. THEN he decided to get back with Marissa’s mom, Julie.
The first of two (!) times he’d get Marissa’s hopes up for a family reunion.
13. THEN HE DECIDED TO BAIL ON NEWPORT.
When Marissa found out her mom and dad are sleeping together, she visited him on his boat house and said, “You know, for once, I wish you would just grow up and be like a real dad.” It was the smartest thing Marissa Cooper EVER SAID.
LITERALLY ONE SCENE LATER, Jimmy sat down with Sandy and Kirsten to tell them he was moving to Maui to charter yachts:
“I need to get away from here before I do any more damage to myself. Or…to my kids. Or to…to Julie. I love Newport but it’s … it’s no good for me right now. In the last year I’ve nearly been arrested and bankrupt for stealing from my clients, I got punched out at my daughter’s Cotillion, I lost my house, my family, I tried to kiss you — which I, I, I still feel terrible about — I spent this summer drunk on a boat with your 25-year-old sister, and now I’m getting back together with the woman who started this in the first place.”
- Jimmy Cooper, idiot and person who blames everyone but himself.
14. Marissa told him how devastated she was that he was leaving, saying he was the “only person keeping [her] sane.”
15. And Jimmy decided to leave anyway.
Also he, like, tried to get her to feel bad for HIM??
16. He LITERALLY said the following to Marissa:
“You’re right. I need to learn how to be a real dad so I’m … uh … leaving.”
17. Jimmy Cooper weaseled his way back once Caleb died, proposing to Julie in a transparent attempt to leech off her inheritance.
Because, SURPRISE SURPRISE, Jimmy started stealing money again, and he owed a guy. But once it’s revealed that Caleb was broke, Jimmy left Julie at the altar (!!!) and bailed on his family.
18. Before he left, Marissa warned him: if you leave, don’t come back. AND HE STILL LEFT!!!!!!!
Look how sad and troubled your daughter is, dummy!!
19. And then what happened???
(OK, so Marissa had lots of Issues. But Jimmy Cooper, dumbest dad ever, sure didn’t help prevent this tragic end.)