19 Signs You Can’t Cook To Save Your Life

Which one is the saucepan again?

1. You LOVE food. Love it! Who doesn’t love food. It’s so nice when *other people* make food and you get to eat it.

OTHER. People.

2. You want to be someone who ACTUALLY makes food for yourself, but whenever you try, it’s just so BAD.

Question: Should lasagna taste like a LITTLE cardboard-y? What is the right amount of cardboard taste to a lasagna.

3. There’s really only one type of oven you feel is safe for you to use.

4. Cookbooks seem to you to be written in gibberish.

Ughhhhh this just seems like…a lot.

5. You’re inexplicably mad from the very first cooking direction you read.

THIS IS THE WORST.

6. There are a bunch of inscrutable cooking terms everyone else seems to understand, and you’re increasingly suspicious there was a class on this years ago and nobody told you.

What is “braising”? How will I know when “peaks form”? Why would anyone just assume I have a food processor?

7. Your cooking sessions start with good intentions and a clean apron and end in burns and weird smells and smoke and sadness.

8. How is this kind of cooking tragedy even possible? If there’s a way, you will find it.

OK so maybe I left like ONE thing out. You should be able to leave one thing out and have it be basically turn out OK.

9. Seriously. You’ve messed up foods you can’t even talk about with other people, because they wouldn’t get it.

10. And god forbid you should ever be asked to “bring a dish” to a dinner party.

This isn’t going to be pleasant for anyone. DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND??

11. Forget “just throwing something together”; for you, the decision to try cooking (again) means setting aside half a day for something that will more than likely taste disgusting. Because YOU made it.

Do you know how long it would take *me* to chop the vegetables for this Beginner’s Thanksgiving post? 14 days. And they’re going to look like shit.

12. You’ve emptied out your building with a fire alarm caused by your pathetic attempts. Twice.

13. You’ve cried (or very nearly cried) over messed-up pancakes.

No pancake should come into the world in this way.

14. Every once in a while you see an adorable food item on Pinterest and make it and immediately remember why you need to be banned from Pinterest.

15. Seriously, you need to stop trying things from Pinterest.

16. Watching Chopped fills you with unquantifiable envy and grief.

Twenty minutes?? That’s it??? Honestly I need 20 minutes to guess what “seitan” might even BE.

17. Your friends who CAN cook — the chosen ones — are all like, “It’s not that hard! Can’t you just follow the directions?”

It’s not like you KNOW why you are this way.

18. “WHYYYYY!!! WHY MEEEEE I’M SO HUNGRY WHYYYY” —you.

19. You, 10 minutes and a quick temper tantrum later.

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