A Wimp’s Guide To Killing Spiders (And Other Unwanted Pests)

Here is your fully laid out plan of action, free of charge!

1. SO YOU’VE SPOTTED A BUG…

2. FIRST, ENSURE THAT IT IS NOT A COCKROACH.

3. BECAUSE IF IT IS, THEN ITS SAFE TO SAY THAT ALL HOPE IS LOST (SORRY). BUT YEAH, YOU NEED TO PACK UP AND FIND A NEW APARTMENT. LIKE, RIGHT NOW.

4. SERIOUSLY, JUST GET OUTTA THERE.

5. ANYWAY, IF YOU’VE IDENTIFIED THAT THE CREATURE TERRORIZING YOUR ROOM IS NOT, IN FACT, A COCKROACH, THEN YOU MAY PROCEED WITH YOUR PLAN OF ACTION.

6. SO IF IT IS JUST A SPIDER…

7. IT PROBABLY LOOKS SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

8. OKAY, OKAY, FINE. IT LOOKS MORE LIKE THIS:

9. OR MAYBE SIZE IS’NT THE DILEMMA…

10. AND YOU PROBABLY DON’T OWN ONE OF THESE…

11. SO WHAT DO YOU DO???

12. WELL FIRS- Okay, calm the eff down. You’re staring at a COMPUTER SCREEN for God’s sake.

That’s it, deeeeep breaths.

13. ALRIGHT, NOW THAT YOU’VE CALMED DOWN, LETS GET TO IT!

14. IF POLITELY ASKING THE PEST TO VACATE THE PREMISES OF YOUR ROOM HASN’T WORKED, THEN YOU NEED TO MOVE ONTO PLAN HAIRSPRAY.

Boys, if you do not own hairspray, simply walk into your sister’s or mother’s bathroom and you’ll be sure to find some. Actually, Febreeze works too!

15. NOW THAT YOU HAVE YOUR HAIRSPRAY (OR FEBREEZE), WALK CONFIDENTLY UP TO THE LITTLE BUGGER AND LET ‘ER RIP! SPRAY LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SPRAYED BEFORE!!!

NOTE: The pest will most likely try to scurry away from the toxic fumes you are directing at it, meaning you must chase it and prevent it from going into any cracks or crevices in your room! Or, if you come at it from the ceiling, try to avoid having the insect fall on your face.

16. YOU MUST CONTINUE TO SPRAY UNTIL YOU SEE NO MOVEMENT OR SIGNS OF LIFE. THE INSECT SHOULD HAVE CURLED UP INTO FETAL POSITION BY THIS POINT.

17. NOW SCRAPE UP THE REMAINS WITH A POST-IT OR A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER AND FLUSH IT ALL DOWN THE TOILET.

18. GREAT JOB! YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY RID YOURSELF OF THE UNSIGHTLY PEST!

19. WAIT! WE’RE NOT FINISHED QUITE YET!

20. DUE TO THE HALF A CAN OF HAIRSPRAY THAT HAS BEEN RELEASED INTO YOUR ROOM, YOU CAN BET ITS NOT GOING TO SMELL ALL THAT GREAT.

21. SO OPEN ALL YOUR WINDOWS AND LET THE PLACE AIR OUT. MAYBE EVEN STICK YOUR HEAD OUT A WINDOW TO GET SOME IMMEDIATE FRESH AIR.

WARNING: This may or may not lead to more bugs entering your living space.

22. AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED YOUR MISSION AND CAN NOW GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, WORRY FREE!

“Now, what was I doing again?”

23. BY THE WAY, YOU COULD ALWAYS TRY TO RID YOURSELF OF YOUR FEAR OF BUGS PERMANENTLY; JUST MOVE TO SOUTH AMERICA, WHERE INSECTS RULE THE LAND!

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