8 Reasons Why My Best Friend's Cheating Ex-Boyfriend Was Unworthy

This list must be made.

1. He cheated. Okay? He cheated.

Giphy / Via giphy.com

Only a shitbag would continually disrespect, violate and stone-cold lie to a partner who was GGG all the way. It put his partner's emotional and physical safety in jeopardy. Total arrogant douche move.

Verdict= UNWORTHY

2. He downright lied about it.

Giphy / Via giphy.com

To her face. To her beautiful face. For years. Like the human equivalent of a half-digested Cool Ranch Dorito a subway rat turded up on the third rail.

Verdict= UNWORTHY

3. He was a college drop-out who wouldn't pay his fair share of rent and was on the verge of losing a job.

Giphy / Via giphy.com

Look, you don't need a college degree to be worthy. Sometimes, you don't need a JOB to be worthy. This homie writing knows the greatly varying and subjective definition of success. This ain't what this is about. This is about passion and responsibility. This is about rising to the occasion of adulthood as it smacks you in the face with its brilliantly iridescent delicious erection.

As an employed individual (read : NY bartender=$$$$) that ~somehow~ had time and money to get 5 new large tattoos in the last 22 weeks (thanks for the tally, Instagram!), you could maybe not rely on your girlfriend to pay part of your share of rent? Remember, the beautiful, brilliant girlfriend who for some reason you couldn't handle being loyal to??? That one.

Verdict= UNWORTHY

4. He texted his side-pieces in front of his loyal girlfriend, cus they were "friends."

Giphy / Via giphy.com

You know when it's late at night and you accidentally come across a grainy YouTube clip of someone removing a tapeworm from their husband's hairy asshole? And you're just like, "FUCK NO, I DID NOT SEE THAT!!!" and then you spend the rest of the day feeling like every bad Poptart or frozen chicken pot pie you've ever consumed was going to regurgitate onto your grandma's Christmas quilt come 3 AM? That, but a human person.

Verdict= UNWORTHY

5. He never bought her flowers or made her feel attractive.

Giphy / Via giphy.com

Look? Again, flowers are no requirement. But this woman exudes a kind of awesomeness that just makes you want to pull up some stems from the ground and give em to the lady, ya know?

And you didn't ever make her feel as sexy or as wanted as you possibly could? Oh, and you're no treat! I didn't know myself, but word was your teeth were heinous! I'm sorry I went into addressing the 2nd person by accident. This fucking bastard made me switch tenses like a fucking weapons-grade melted fece pocket trying to mess an English major bitch up during a listicle session.

Verdict= UNWORTHY.

6. He snapped at her for the smallest things.

Giphy / Via giphy.com

Like telling her to turn off a light or fill up the damn Brita. As if she were a dog*. It's this kind of aggressive, thoughtless behavior that seeped into his worst most manipulative and deceitful actions. DIDN'T HE REALIZE HOW MUCH COOLER SHE WAS? HOW, DUDE, MAYBE SHE COULD FILL UP THE WATER ON HER TIME?

(*Dogs are awesome, and shouldn't be left under his care.)

Verdict= UNWORTHY

7. He is the L. Ron Hubbard of boyfriends.

Giphy / Via giphy.com

Listen: Both woo you in with an attractive and healing promise, and it's only after YEARS AND YEARS of investment that you discover the entire thing is bogus and a deceitful premise about the alien overlord Xenu. Or, in this case, about a scum trap who turned out to be a nasty chronic cheater.

You couldn't Katie Holmes this woman, you bitch.

Verdict= UNWORTHY

8. I am too fond of the words "anus" and "sphincter" to use them to describe him.

Giphy / Via giphy.com

I am too fond of this dried semen inside of this homemade sex doll made from masking tape and 1998 Cover Girl ads to use it to describe him.

I am too fond of the phrase "back alley rectal exam" to use it to describe him.

I am too fond of the mere idea of pubic hair dye to describe him as the pubes you decide to trim off before dying your netherlocks Aqua Blue.

I am too fond of political satire to describe him as not yet worth as much as Donald Trump's left scrotal mole.

I am too titillated by the idea of comparing him to the LMFAO song "Shots" to actually stoop to that simile.

Look, dude, ya dumped.

Verdict= UNWORTHY, ABSOLUTELY UN-FUCKING-WORTHY