Photographer Documents Life With Bipolar Disorder

A 22-year-old photographer in Saint Louis, MO documented her life with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) through photographs after her diagnosis in January 2014. View more of her work on her website or blog.

What Depression Feels Like

kaitmauro.com

What they don't tell you about depression is that it absolutely exhausts you. My body felt as if it was made of tar - too heavy, for months, to lift from the bed.

Trying to Photograph Grief

kaitmauro.com

I felt a deep grief without knowing what I was grieving for. I often went to the forest for comfort.

A Hopelessness So Deep

kaitmauro.com

I took my new medications as prescribed but still could not stay in control. I went up up up, buying ridiculous things with money I didn't have and taking long roadtrips without destinations when I should have been at work. I lost my job. I went down, deep deep down, and could not get out of bed for weeks. To shower was more than I could manage most days. I had no energy and thought only black thoughts. The medications would not work instantly, sometimes they would take a month to even begin to have an effect. The science was imperfect, almost more of an art than a science. I was waiting in hell for them to offer me some relief.

Dreaming of Joining the Ghosts

kaitmauro.com

I prayed for terminal cancer, so I could die without people being angry at me for committing suicide. I dreamt of the nothingness I imagined death to be - the peace, the no more trying, no more loneliness, no more self-hatred, no more shame.

On Repeat

kaitmauro.com

I would come up, head above water, for a period of time but the darkness, the exhaustion and hopelessness, would return. I could picture no future for myself, could not imagine any life in which things would feel okay, in which I would be happy.

After the Episode

kaitmauro.com

When you come out of an episode of depression or mania, your life is often a shamble, broken glass cutting your hands as your try to fit it back together. I had dropped out of college. I had lost my job. I had no money, nowhere to live, all of my friends were 600 miles away. I felt as though my life were a puzzle I had no hope of solving.

Asking for Help

kaitmauro.com

Asking for help is nearly impossible when your mind is new to depression or mania. When manic, you think you know better than everyone else. When depressed, you think no one can help make anything better anyway, so why ask?

The Manic Compulsion to Change My Place

kaitmauro.com

I did a lot of traveling while manic. I would buy dogs, mostly great danes, and I would take spontaneous road trips, deciding to go and an hour packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. Often I had no destination in mind. I just needed to move. I never knew if I was fleeing towards or away from something. I moved 12 times in less than 4 years.

Duality

kaitmauro.com

I felt as though there were three different versions of myself - Depression Kait, Balanced Kait and Manic Kait. I wanted to stay as my true self, Balanced Kait, all of the time but the other two kept taking over, the three Kaits fighting for control.

Late Night Anxiety

kaitmauro.com

I would get terrible anxiety late at night. I would worry obsessively about the possibility that my mother's cancer could come back or my dog could potentially someday choke on something and I wouldn't know how to save her. I slept in the beds of practical strangers to simply not be alone with it all.

Manic

kaitmauro.com

Mania would take over and I would become reckless. I could not control myself. I could not hear any of the loving friends or family members telling me that I needed help. I would become very creative and productive. I would speak very fast. I would spend money recklessly and live as though it was my last day on earth and nothing I did would have consequences.

After These Photos Were Made

I was diagnosed with bipolar in January 2014 and have since become much stabler and happier. For anyone who is reading this who is facing a new (or re-facing an old) diagnosis - there is hope. If you stay on your meds, regulate your sleep and lifestyle and seek out a team of help, you can find your balanced self again. Maybe not 100% of the time, but a lot of it. You can still live a full, productive and joyful life.

View more of Kait Mauro's photographic work at www.kaitmauro.com or on her blog at www.nowandnowandnow.wordpress.com.