Pastas I Would Throw At Chris Pine

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a face full of pasta.

Someday, reader, because life is cruel and enjoys mocking me, I will meet Chris Pine. I will run into him at a party, or get stuck with him inside of an elevator, or see him in the street, or be seated next to him on a plane. And when this fateful, horrible day takes place, the inevitable truth is this: I will throw pasta at him. I will not be able to help myself. Something about him just demands it. I don't know how to explain.

For Captain Pine: Penne a la Vodka

Via images6.fanpop.com

A bold dish with a boozy finish reminiscent of a certain Starfleet CMO, its wide availability and high stain factor makes penne a la vodka the perfect choice to boldly go where no noodle has gone before.

For Jack Reacher Pine: Spaghetti with Marinara

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So classic that it borders on boring, spaghetti marinara will lend itself well to being mushed directly into Chris Pine's assorted facial orifices, possibly while yelling, "Who thought it would be a good idea to make a financial thriller with only one semi-interesting scene in it? Was it you? I bet it was you, you pasta-covered asshole."

For Prince Pine: Lasagna

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A dish so heavy that eating it -- or having your face pressed lovingly into a pan of it -- has the potential to cause agony. Misery. Woe. (Don't worry, Billy Magnussen; you can have some, too.)

For Jack Frost Pine: Frozen Ravioli

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What is lost here in satisfying noises of the "splat" variety is gained in the ability to flick ice-cold ravioli at Chris Pine's neck while his back is turned. Could there be anything more satisfying?

For Princess Diaries 2 Pine: Macaroni and Cheese

Via menulog.com.au

I can't say this strongly enough: everybody involved in the making of Princess Diaries 2: A Royal Engagement deserves some mac and cheese to the face. (The above gif is not really relevant, except in the sense that it is a summary of how Chris Pine makes me feel, and thus a good explanation for this list of pastas I would throw at him.)

For Mantivities Pine: Any Organic Item At Hand, Whether Or Not It's Pasta, Or, Indeed, Edible

Via guycodeblog.mtv.com

Yes, Chris Pine is really making a movie called "Mantivities." No, I could not make that up. Yes, I am aware that Chris Pine also co-wrote this movie. No, that does not make me want to throw things at him any less. Pelt him! Pelt him with any available food product!

For Regular, Day-to-Day Chris Pine: Spaghetti and Meatballs

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Yeah, that's right. It sounds good now, Chris Pine, but you just wait until it's in your hair and your eyes! You wait until one lone meatball is rolling away to have adventures like in that song we all sang as children! Then you'll rue the day you were so attractive. You'll rue it. You'll see. YOU'LL ALL SEE.