The Anatomy Of A Kickball Team

Because when you see the hordes of less than sober twenty-somethings wearing their matching tees, you wonder what type of person actually plays kickball.

Summer is in full swing in DC, which can only mean one thing - kickballers are taking over the National Mall. You thought I was going to say tourists? Ha! The kickballers not only have tourists outnumbered, but they also put tourists in their place. During this annual reminder that DC was built on a swamp, you may have considered joining a kickball team - an elite group of not quite grown up athletes that still know how to have a good time. Before you make your decision, let me help you learn the ropes of who’s who on in the kickball world.

Every kickball team - from WAKA to DC Kickball to NAKID - is comprised of droves of the same people. Every. Single. One. There are going to be some slight variations team to team, but guaranteed when you’re at The Exchange (or, even worse, KIT) playing flip cup, you will see these people… they’re everywhere. So if you decide to take to the booze field and join the illustrious (not so) few who call themselves kickballers, consider yourself prepared for what is yet to come.

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3. The Guy Who Takes Sports Too Seriously

He is probably the best athlete on the team, which is pretty good because he’ll be the reason you actually win a game or two… or at least lose by less than you expected. He’s the one you need to hold back from the ref who’s not paying attention because he got suckered into refereeing the late game instead of going to the bar with his team. He wants the team to hold pre-season practices and take advantage of a bye week by running some fielding drills. He shows up to the games wearing Under Armor compression shorts under his gym shorts and his kickball tee… with the sleeves ripped off. Do not let him be team captain.

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4. The Girl Who Takes Sports Too Seriously

She doesn’t appear as often across the kickball teams, but guaranteed there will be at least one of her in every league. She played competitive sports in college, most likely volleyball or softball. She gets upset if she isn’t top four on the lineup, because clearly you are not respecting her athletic abilities and you have no idea of the awesome skill set she brings to the team. She shoes up to the games wearing sport shorts, tees, or hoodies from her alma mater that she is very (very) proud of. She’s a pretty good player, but she can get pretty aggressive when she discovers that you’re not as good as she is. When she kicks a home run, the team goes wild and she instantly becomes her male teammates number one hookup goal.

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5. The Guy Who Takes Flip Cup Too Seriously

There’s always one. Before you play against the other team at the bar, he makes everyone play King of the Hill to see who gets to be on the flip cup team. When you do make the team, you get yelled at constantly if you can’t flip one and done… and he’s got alternates waiting in the wings to take your spot. If there is any imbalance of players, he’s first to take on a second cup… and the first to accept a full cup flip cup challenge. He holds his liquor surprisingly well… but that’s probably just because his secret to speed drinking is pouring the beer on his face versus actually drinking it. He is wise beyond his years, so take advantage of his infinite flip cup wisdom… just try not to play against him too often.

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6. The Bro

It doesn’t matter where he’s from, he’s got a frat boy mentality. You can always count on him to bring booze to the kickball field - and he loves thinking of clever ways to do so. He’s particular favorites are making mixed gin or vodka drinks in a Nalgene bottle and the ever clever rum and coke in a soda bottle. He’s always up for jello shots, but I don’t suggest you let him make them… you’ll thank me later. He doesn’t really care about the outcome of the kickball game, but he does put forth some effort. He loves playing flip cup and is a somewhat decent player too. He’s always fun to hang out with and you can always tell a Bro by their Bro Uniform (and variations thereof): the schmedium tee, the popped collar, the pink button down, and, well, you get the idea.

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7. The Girl Who Just Wants To Have Fun

Are you in need of awesome at bat theme music for each player? She’s your girl. Do you have an unyielding quench for fun flavored jello shots that don’t make you want to vom? She’s your girl. Is you’re team down in the count and you want someone to distract the pitcher while your team is up at bat? She’s your girl. She’ll customize her kickball shirt in the most provocative way she knows how. She’ll show up to the game a little tipsy and won’t let the fun stop there. She’s down for flirting with the other team to get the W - on the kickball and flip cup field. When you’re ready to hit the dance floor, make sure she’s with you because she’ll make the party happen. She’s also the girl most likely to have hooked up with a decent amount of your teammates… and other players in the league. Just let her have her fun.

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8. The Guy Who You Hook Up With

Real talk happening here - there is nothing extraordinary about this guy. If this were Big Brother, he’d be a floater. He’s attractive - not super hot but he’s definitely not fugly either. If the Bro had a younger brother or sidekick, it would be him. They tend to be similar and it’s very easy to get them confused. Just remember, he’s the one who’s not an asshole most of the time. He’s the guy you go home with when you can’t find any better options at the bar. He’s your go to flirting partner and you love to tease him when you’re out with the team. He won’t say no, and that’s why we like him.

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9. The Lipstick Lesbians

They’re straight, they swear. Butttttttt if you get enough booze in them, regardless of the when and where, you’ll start to wonder. They like distracting the other team by flirting with each other from across the outfield - because do you honestly think we’ll put them in the infield? When the music is blaring, they’ll be dancing with each other and putting on a show. Everyone loves the show, of course, because the guys on the other team forget what’s happening. During the kickball game it means the other team misses an easy fly ball and during flip cup it means the other team forgets to start playing. They’re a handy pair of aces to have up your sleeve… and you’ll probably make it your season’s mission to have a threesome with them.

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10. The World’s Cutest Couple

Seriously, they’re fucking adorable. But get a room, this is kickball people! They’re active on the field and love to party it up with the rest of the team. But they also like to remind everyone of what solid adults they are. They tend to leave the bar a little too early, but when either one of them stays late you know they’re going to have a terrible morning. If you’re team goes out on the weekend, they love to go crazy - from maybe drinking a little too much to sharing some hidden secret problems no one really wanted to know about. But seriously, they’re adorable.

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11. The Player Who’s Just A Little Too Old

There’s always one. And they’re not bad people, I swear. It’s just that when you realize at the end of the season that the guy (or girl) you’ve been casually flirting with the entire time is closer to your parent’s age than your own, you start to get this icky feeling inside. It’s like they never grew up… or just never lived their twenties to the fullest. They usually only last one or two seasons before they realize that this probably isn’t the best life choice for them to be making. But in the mean time, let them have their fun… just don’t give them the wrong idea about hooking up. That’s just gross.

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12. Wait, Who Are You Again?

You know that friend of a friend, the one who’s name you often forget but you kind of still remember their face? Yep, this is them. They joined the team because their friend convinced them that it would be an AWESOME idea (totally is) but they just never got on board. You met them at the pre-season meat market party (which is exactly what it sounds like) and you had a great time with them, they seemed to really fit in with the team. They even showed up to the first game, sweet! But then a work thing came up, and then they had this date, and then their parents were in town, and then they were sick, and then they had this thing… and then they just forgot. When they decide to show up to the end of the season party, no one remembers who they are but since they’re a friend of a friend, they slide right back into the team like they never missed the entire season.

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