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81 Thoughts Retail Workers Actually Have During Their Shift

The holidays are the most irritating time of the year.

Chris Hondros / Getty

1. It’s 6 a.m. What the hell am I doing here?
2. I’m going to mop and listen to Al Green all day and no one’s going to stop me.
3. The holidays are the most irritating time of the year.
4. Am I allowed to wear this at work?
5. Corporate better not make me buy new outfits.
6. I spend more money on work clothes than I’ll make all week.
7. I spend more money on fast food than I’ll make all week.
8. I need to remember to say the tagline.
9. Wait, what is the tagline?
10. Used the tagline, the customer didn’t even acknowledge me.
11. How much longer can I stand here texting before someone notices?
12. How much longer can I stand here eating before someone notices?
13. How much drunker can I get before someone notices?
14. How much explicit Kanye West can I play before someone notices?
15. 95 boxes of shipment? Kill me.
16. OMG. There’s a secret shopper in here. MUST. CLEAN. EVERYTHING.
17. No, I cannot “hook you up.”
18. Can I just say there are no mediums left instead of checking the stock room?
19. Why doesn’t anyone actually clean the stock room?
20. Maybe I can just take a nap back here and no one will notice.
21. Shit, how long has it been?
22. Why am I the only person on register?
23. This kid reeks of marijuana.
24. This kid reeks of alcohol.
25. This kid doesn’t believe I’m the manager.
26. This isn’t a club. Stop singing, stop dancing.
27. This isn’t a lounge. Why are you napping on the floor?
28. Why is this customer telling me this story?
29. Who is this creeper bothering my employees?

30. I’m never going to return these clothes, please stop asking me.
31. These clothes smell like cigarettes and lunch meat.
32. Please, “call corporate.” They don’t want your bologna jeans either.
33. Where are all these children coming from?
34. These demon children are destroying the entire store.
35. Wow, those kids were actually pretty nice.
36. No, we’re not hiring, we’re never hiring again.
37. Look how cool that old couple is. Wait… why are they reading “Maxim”?
38. Are these peeps gonna buy anything or what?
39. Why are those people laying on the floor?
40. Why are those people eating their meals in here?
41. The entire store smells like chicken.
42. I hope there aren’t any go-backs in the dressing room.
43. What a splendid surprise an ENORMOUS pile of dirty clothes.
44. You seriously think you can take this home and give me your card number later?
45. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE CREEPY GUY.

46. Why would you come here without money?
47. Why are you spending on this crap?
48. Wow, I wish I wish my parents blew this kind of money on me.
49. Why aren’t those people buying anything?
50. I really hope that guy isn’t stealing anything.
51. OMG. DUDE IS STEALING EVERYTHING. WHERE THE HELL IS MY BOSS????
52. Oh gee! Another broken sensor!
53. There are HUGE HOLES in all of these shirts… sweet…
54. I’m confronting this guy! This is happening!
55. OK. Never mind. I’m not getting stabbed over cargo shorts.

56. I’m drinking as soon as my shift is over.
57. I’m drinking as soon as my lunch starts.
58. I’m drinking during my shift with my bosses! This is prettttty cool.
59. New company playlist? Thank the lord!
60. * Two weeks later * When are they changing the company playlist?
61. If I have to hear “Pumped Up Kicks” one more time, I will gauge my eyes out.
62. Yes, I’ll throw your trash away for you.
63. No, you cannot pee in my store.
64. I am going to break this scanner gun.
65. I am going to throw gift cards at every god damn fragrance bottle in the store.
66. I wonder if Kevin will play ninja stars too.
67. OMG. I HIT KEVIN. HE’S BLEEDING.
68. We have dressing rooms, why are you changing in front of me?
69. Someone urinated on a pile of clothes. What is happening?
70. Okay, that guy was actually really cool.
71. No, you can’t have an extra bag to steal everything the mall has to offer.
72. No, I’m not finding your 16 year old child a “sexy” outfit.
73. You destroyed that entire pile of shirts for the extra small sitting on top?
74. Must… finger space… everything…
75. Why won’t this roll of pennies just break already?
76. I cannot lower prices sir, I’m not the goddamn CFO.
77. I’m going to nod my head and not do anything my manager is saying.
78. I’m going to be folding clothes for the rest of my life.
79. You know, folding clothing is actually pretty relaxing.
80. I’m going to be putting stickers on everything for my entire life.
81. I’m going to be working here for the rest of my life.

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