What If NFL Teams Took Their Nicknames Literally: A Photoshop Investigation

Just remember: what is seen cannot be unseen.

1. Miami Dolphins

“Cuuuuuuute!” — My wife.

ID: 1631702

2. Arizona Cardinals

If only the endzone was made of birdseed.

ID: 1631673

3. San Diego Chargers

It is sort of dumb that they were named after people yelling “Charge!” at sporting events. If that trend continues, the new name of the Chargers might be “Qualcomm Stadium SUCKS!”

ID: 1631684

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

“I might not always play good football, but when I do, no one is more surprised than myself.”

ID: 1631707

5. Cleveland Browns

Named after Paul Brown, the team’s first head coach. There is nothing threatening about a team of middle-aged men running a 3-4 defense.

ID: 1631687

6. St. Louis Rams

It’s Sam BAAAAH-ford!

ID: 1631678

7. Indianapolis Colts

Gorgeous manes winning games.

ID: 1631705

8. Houston Texans

“The three federal departments of football are… Wait, there aren’t federal departments of football?”

ID: 1631681

9. Jacksonville Jaguars

Calm down, kitty, no need to get so upset.

ID: 1631672

10. Dallas Cowboys

“Yee haw! We’re going 8-8 again!”

ID: 1631708

11. Washington Redskins

A team full of sunburned guys willing to hit you is sort of frightening. Wait, they’re named after what? How rude!

ID: 1631670

12. Green Bay Packers

Named after the Indian Packing Company, a team of old union workers is pretty awesome. Too bad they can’t seem to beat a team of old prospectors, though.

ID: 1631691

13. San Francisco 49ers

An old prospector outrunning a defense is super threatening. Guess sometimes you have to go for the gold, right, Green Bay?

ID: 1631674

14. Seattle Seahawks

“SQUAK! Russell Wilson! SQUAK! Russell Wilson!”

ID: 1631679

15. Kansas City Chiefs

More like “One Flew Over Dwayne Bowe’s Head Again,” am I right?

ID: 1631676

16. New England Patriots

“How come no one’s tawkin’ ‘bout how OBAMA is tawkin’ stahtin’ a wa’ ‘gainst Syr’a? HE”S A FREAKIN’ WA’ HAWK!”

ID: 1631688

17. Oakland Raiders

Like Johnny Depp’s “Captain Jack Sparrow,” the Raider is more costume than a reality.

ID: 1631686

18. Tennessee Titans

The wrath of the Titans expresses itself in the form of not making the playoffs.

ID: 1631692

19. Carolina Panthers

“I’m so stoked to play some — wait, is that a laser pointer? HOLY SHIT!”

ID: 1631693

20. Buffalo Bills

At least he has his winter coat on. Plus, buffalo hide is so in this season.

ID: 1631694

21. Atlanta Falcons

Birdie want a cracker? No? A Super Bowl ring, is what birdie wants.

ID: 1631699

22. Baltimore Ravens

“Caww! We’re Ravens! Caw! We won a Super Bowl! Caw! A group of us is called a murd — WHY YOU TELLING ME TO BE QUIET, RAY LEWIS?”

ID: 1631700

23. Philadelphia Eagles

The Philly eagle: Proud to be American, but even prouder to hate your guts for not being from Philadelphia.

ID: 1631682

24. New York Jets

I assume by “jets” they mean airplanes, but lately they play more like the “Jets” in West Side Story.

ID: 1631709

25. Cincinnati Bengals

“Oh, hey there, ginger cat. Was Hard Knocks tough on ya? Want me to rub your tummy?”

ID: 1631704

26. Detroit Lions

“RAWR! Why aren’t we better?!”

ID: 1631690

27. Chicago Bears

That would be absolutely horrifying to be running at you, much like the real life Brain Urlacher.

ID: 1631695

28. Denver Broncos

This is terrifying. I actually think this is what the Ravens saw last week playing the Broncos.

ID: 1631689

29. New Orleans Saints

When people believe they are chosen by a higher power, they can be mighty dangerous.

ID: 1631703

30. Minnesota Vikings

That is one dude a ref doesn’t want to argue a call with.

ID: 1631701

31. Pittsburgh Steelers

Just a dude punching in to punch you out. That’s pretty badass.

ID: 1631706

32. New York Giants

“Anybody want another Super Bowl ring?”

ID: 1631710

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