The Diva Wars: Holiday Edition!

In which we pit Babz, Kellz, and Mary in a fight to the death.... based off Yuletide covers of classic hits from their recent holiday album releases!

Divas releasing holidays albums to cash in on both last-minute shoppers, grannies, and gay guys is a tale as old as time. As a last minute shopper and a granny-like gay guy, I know this is true as it can be. But I warmly welcome this ploy - I can never get enough Joyeaux in the Noël! Especially when it is brought to you by three completely different females in the game: an old Jew hag, a black transvestite, and a fat reality star. Mariah Carey is still and will forever be the undisputed Queen of Christmas, but it's always nice to have other weaves in the willow, right?

The Ladies

So in the spirit of giving and cattiness, and with Christmas right around the corner (and by “corner” I mean the one intersecting Poverty Ave. and Shame Alley), I figured I’d stack these ladyboys up against each other since there seems to be an alarming number of overlap when it came to covering holiday songs.... so I present to you: Diva Wars, Holiday Edition!

Suddenly their poignant stares take on a significant chill....

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Round One:

Originally the Yuletide power anthem for abused children as originated by the immortal icon Judy Garland, Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas has clearly been watered down through the years. I mean, I really don't even know what the message of the song is anymore. What is the point of a Little Christmas? Is it a good-natured wish or a mean-spirited taunt!??!

Barbie uses The Carpenters' version of this song, and in the process of overdoing, as she is wont to do, she employs a heavenly choir, golden harps, angel wings, her overdramatic enunciation, and even the Baby Jesus himself. Marcus J. Blige's rendition is for The Grown & Sexy crowd, meaning it's "Adult Urban" and boring. She would have been better off entitling this "Have Yourself A Mary Little Christmas" and singing it from the POV of her penis. Belly Clarkson sings the most straightforward version of this song. There's nothing spectacular about it, it would play perfectly well behind the soothing paging voices at Nordstrom.

Barbra

Mary

Kelly

WINNER

Round 2:

Not originally a Christmas song, My Favorite Things has become, in this extremely greedy modern era, so appropriate. Listening to three different renditions of My Favorite Things really makes you realize just how sad this song is. It's sort of like It Gets Better, but about really white things like brown paper packages and apple strudels.

BaBa can barely contain her disdain for these so-called Favorite Things. I mean, who cares about whiskers on kittens when she can lay her oiled up 97 year old body so luxuriantly on her rare white Bengal tiger rug? Cream-colored ponies?? This ho got the only unicorn in existence on this planet in her own private menagerie. Please. Marcus's rendition is the national war cry of a disenfranchised population. This song belongs nestled between the pages of "Roll Of Thunder, Hear My Cry", the seminal novel chronicling the diasporic experience of the African-American. You can really hear the heartbreaking longing in her drug-addled voice as she checks off every item in her layaway plan. Jelly Clarkson takes the big band route, but even the brassy horns and showy woodwinds can't mask the marked sadness of this song.

Barb

Mary

Kelly

WINNER

Round 3:

The ladies pull out all the stops for their respective versions of Silent Night, as though they consider the song title to be a personal challenge. Babz gives it a completely different title, Marcus sings it in a foreign language, and Belly recruits her grandmothers to help weave her quilt!

Barbro renames the song as "Sleep In Heavenly Peace" and that is exactly what I want to do while listening to this song. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Marcus J. Blige duets with a starving Marc Anthony for Noche de Paz and while Marc sings in Spanish, Marcus interjects in English like she's translating his words for us. Their Spanish harmonies in the end are muy bien though, except when Marcus pronounces "pas" as "pass" in the end. Ugh. Meanwhile, Jelly brings in Reba McEnCheese and Trashi Yearwood for a duet+1 (A triet? A triage? A trivet??). But don't be fooled by the hushed and restrainted intro. Each lady gets a quick solo before reaching a vocal crescendo in the end. The tremendous barnyard harmony these three sisterwives achieve evokes visions of a tribe of majestic aboriginal Tuvan throat singers giving their all to mourning deforestation and destruction.

Barb

Mary

Kelly

WINNER

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RESULTS

A THREE-WAY TIE! IT'S CHRISTMAS! EVERYONE IS A WINNER!!!!