1.
Guy flashes theater full of kids watching the new Chipmunks movie. They said it was the 2nd most disturbing thing they'd seen in there.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 4, 2012
2.
I think the porn industry is the only industry that could fold right now & we would still be completely covered forever.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 18, 2012
3.
How many people thinking "suicide or redbox?" at this hour on a Friday night?
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 14, 2012
4.
The new Katherine Heigl movie is called One for the Money. Which is also her justification for doing the movie.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 11, 2012
5.
Scott Peterson definitely misunderstood the marry-fuck-kill game.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 30, 2011
6.
From Ice Cube's It was a Good Day. "Fucked around & got a triple double." What kind of asshole keeps track of assists during a pickup game?
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) April 15, 2011
7.
Why do porn stars tweet pics of their kids? Factory workers don't tweet pics of their on-the-job accidents, for instance.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 3, 2012
8.
The only way you could like Chronicles of Riddick is if it was the first movie you ever saw.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) February 7, 2012
9.
Prop 8 ruled unconstitutional. Those who fight the inevitability of progress are bound to look like assholes in 20 years.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) February 7, 2012
10.
#FF Your heart you guys. Your heart.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) February 3, 2012
11.
I wanna start a religious themed bakery called "I Have a Confection to Make."
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 5, 2011
12.
85% of writing is rewriting. 90% of writing is rewriting.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 5, 2012
13.
I bet Kim Kardashian's personality looks like Khloe Kardashian's face.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 7, 2011