I have been a die-hard Ohio State Buckeye fan for as long as I can remember. I was at the National Championship game where we all thought Willis McGahee’s career had ended (when in fact it was Maurice “I don’t care that I’m famous in Columbus, I’m still going to rob people at gunpoint and just hope they are two of the six people who don’t recognize me” Clarett whose time on the field was winding down). I was at the Michigan game where the two teams came in ranked one and two in the nation (Remember that, Michigan fans?). I’ve been embarrassed by tattoo scandals and off-the-field criminal behavior. I’ve been overwhelmed at the sight of “Script Ohio” in person. I love Ohio State. I hate the University of Michigan. These are the facts of my life.
That said, I’ve never been more embarrassed to be a Buckeye fan than when I saw this t-shirt. It’s one thing to paint “Fuck Michigan” on your body. That’s a noble, solemn act that every Buckeye fan should do at some point in his or her life. It’s another thing entirely to have your dumb, not-authorized-by-the-school, bought-out-of-the-back-of-a-van-while-tailgating t-shirt illustrate how much you hate Michigan by making a joke using a a group of molested children.
And this is not even an argument about whether it’s ever okay to make jokes about rape or molestation. Even people who believe funny jokes about those things exist (I am one of them) will agree that this isn’t a funny joke. It’s a hacky, sub-Leno, Meet The Spartans-level sentence that necessitates quotation marks if you dare to even call it a “joke.” Anyone who would wear this, let alone pay someone money for the privilege to wear it, is a douchebag. Luckily, we all know that Ohio State doesn’t have any douchebags attending, so I’m sure no one will wear it. (Dummies are going to wear this when we’re on national TV and I’m going to have to feel bad about it, aren’t I?)
On behalf of my beloved Buckeyes, allow me to apologize to the victims of the Penn State scandal as well as the university’s students, who had nothing to do with it and would love to be able to move on with their lives. I do not, however, apologize to Michigan, which still sucks.