1. Step One: Go To Vegas
Phelps had his retirement bash at Vegas’s Encore Beach Club. And despite the existence of these photos negating the best part of Las Vegas (the whole “what happens here, stays here” thing), the fact is for a gaudy, crazed party it’s hard to better than Sin City. Just ask LeBron.
2. Step Two: Be 27
You know what’s awesome? Retiring as the most successful person in the history of your field and s till being three years younger than Barack Obama was when he graduated from Harvard. You know what’s less awesome? retiring when you’re in your seventies and your idea of a wild night is the early bird special at Perkins.
3. Step Three: Have A Kick Ass Cake
That cake has replicas of all 22 of the swimmer’s medals, an American flag, and a pair of goggles. No word on whether it was delicious, but when you’re Michael Fucking Phelps I have a feeling they make sure your cake is tasty.
4. Step Four: Bring Your Friends
Ain’t no party like a Nathan Adrian party, because a Nathan Adrian party has messy hair. Or something. Also, what’s up, Missy Franklin? Aren’t you 17?
Update From Future Jack: Nope. Not Missy Franklin. It’s Allison Schmitt. She’s 22. Though wow they look somewhat similar. The rest of the post has been updated to reflect the change.
5. Step Six: Make Monkey Faces While You Play With Your Food
Or at least your food’s props.
6. Curious Monkey
7. Show-off Monkey
“Hey guys remember when I used to have to wear these for ‘work’? LOL.”
8. Step Seven: Show Appreciation For Your Guests
This is an adorable photo. But you didn’t come to party with fellow swimmers Michael. You came to party with Vegas girls. (Note: Never fool around with teammates!)
9. Step Eight: Have A Really Excitable DJ
Is this guy a famous DJ? I don’t know my DJs. Do they sell DJ trading cards so I can get to know all the players? Is he Skrillex? David Guetta? I’ve only heard a few names.
10. Step Nine: Show Your Appreciation For Crazy, Excitable DJ
11. Step Ten: Take The Other Swimmer At Your Party Up To The DJ Booth, Admit You Don’t Know How To DJ.
“Sorry Allison, if only there was someone who knew how to DJ that you could hang out with.”
12. Step Eleven: Bring Back The Excitable DJ, Let Him Hang Out With Allison
“I know how to DJ, Michael! Plus I get to hang out with an awesome Olympian? That’s a good afternoon DJ-ing.” (Note, it’s possible I know nothing about DJ-ing.)
13. Step Twelve: Go Hang Out With The Models Who You Aren’t Teammates With. Never Mess Around With Teammates.
Now that his pot smoking won’t be a bad influence on Olympian Allison Schmitt, he can smoke all the pot he wants and have an awesome cake there for when the munchies hit him.
Michael Phelps = Legend
- In a landmark prison reform decision, California has agreed to a settlement that will effectively end indefinite solitary confinement in the state. ›
- Los Angeles has officially been selected as the American candidate city to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. ›
- Missouri executed Roderick Nunley Tuesday night for a 1989 rape and murder. It was the state's sixth execution this year, and the nation's 20th. ›