10 Ways The Hurricane Could Improve New York City

So the hurricanepocalypse is fast approaching and people are freaking out.

1. Punish Wall Street For Their Crimes

They’ve gotten away relatively scot-free considering they destroyed our entire economy. They might be able to use their financial influence to disuade federal investigators from going for the jugular, but you know who doesn’t care about bribes? Hurricanes. Little known fact, hurricanes don’t have wallets. True story. So if Lower Manhattan floods, look at the bright side! Fuck those guys.

2. Gondolas Could Bring Future Flooded Lower Manhattan An Economic Revival

When Robert Benchley was in Venice he telegraphed Dorothy Parker: “Streets flooded. Please advise.” Moral of the story? Robert Benchley is awesome. But a further moral can be found in what to do if the streets do flood. Now that those Wall Street bastards got their comeuppance, we have to do something with our newly flooded neighborhoods, but do we wait for the waters to subside? Hell no! Let’s embrace it! Gondolas. Boats. It’ll be Venice meets The Day After Tomorrow. Disaster tourism would skyrocket. Plus gondolas are romantic. I see this as a net win.

3. Cut Down The Hipster Population

Williamsburg is in Irene’s line of fire. Some may choose to think of this as a bad thing, but I just see it as an opportunity to cull the herd of Hipsters along the L train. Sure there will be half as many Missed Connections to sift through, and seeing nipples on the subway will become rarer, but on the plus side you’ll be able to like Nickelback again and Union Pool will be less crowded and now actually a pool. So there’s that.

4. Canal Street Will Finally Be An Appropriate Name

This one is self-explanatory, and I’m all for the appropriate naming of things.

5. The City Could Use A Shower

Look, I know we all love this place, but it’s really dirty. Like gross. Those of us who live here might enjoy that and claim it adds to our fair city’s charms, but we’re reminded every time a parent or friend from home visits that our city is grimy. Let’s choose to think of this as an epic shower. Maybe not one we want, but like Matt Saracen feeling sorry for himself (fast forward to :39), it might be one we need.

6. We Can Finally Flush The Alligators Out Of The Sewers

Those assholes have lived rent free long enough. And it’s not like they’ve been defending our city from ninja criminals like their fellow reptilian sewer dwellers. These guys are just freeloaders. Irene will take care of them for us.

7. If The MTA Has A Near Death Experience, Maybe It’ll Change Its Douchebag Ways

You always hear about people having near-death experiences, seeing the error of their ways and walking on the straight and narrow for the rest of their days. No person or institution needs this kind of kick in the ass quite like the MTA. $104 for a MetroCard that gets us far less service than it did four years ago when the card cost $76? You better pray Irene is forgiving.

8. Lower Rent In Damaged Areas

I would totally move to post-flood damaged Williamsburg for the slashed rents that will surely result. I can deal with water. I can swim. $700 will go a lot further than it does now as long as you’re okay with dampness.

9. Kill The Bed Bugs

Can you imagine? Moving into an apartment without any worries of bug bites. Not freaking out about every mosquito bite. Not having to look at those subway ads anymore (provided we still have a subway). I hope those fuckers can’t swim.

10. Book Of Mormon Tickets Will Be Easier To Come By

Which is awesome, because that show is hilarious and you should go see it.