7 Surprising Excerpts From The Fake "Saved By The Bell" Oral History Book
Fake excerpts from a fake book about a very real series.
1. In the original draft of the infamous "Jesse's Song" episode, Screech was addicted to Vitamin C pills.
Peter Engel (Writer/Producer, Icon): We originally wanted to do this three episode mini arc where the gang travels to Nova Scotia to help manage Mr. Belding's grandfather's struggling haunted house.
Larry Balmagia (Writer/Producer "Saved by the Bell," "Wings"): Casey Kasem was going to discover Screech's Vitamin C addiction and teach the gang, as well as America, a very important lesson about responsibility.
Peter Engel: One of our rookie writers, Larry Balmagia, the man who two years later would single-handedly revolutionize television by conceiving the iconic Slater/salamander best friend storyline, runs up to me out of breath and says, “Pete, we got a problem.”
Larry Balmagia: The season we outlined was too good; we couldn't spare three episodes. I remember a production assistant suggesting we scrap the “Government thinks Screech is an alien” episode. I said, “Oh that’s interesting. Well, you’re fired, kid."
Jon Hamm (Actor, Former "Saved by the Bell" Production Assistant): I've since learned to keep my head down and my stupid mouth shut.
Peter Engel: Which episode do you cut? Zack unlawfully sells photos of his classmates in their bathing suits? Screech enters a beauty pageant? Of course not! Those are quintessential high school experiences! Personally, and I was talking about this with Neil Patrick Harris the other day, I believe if any of the aforementioned television episodes don’t make it to air, "The Wire" never exists.
Larry Balmagia (Writer/Producer): So we scrapped the whole storyline and just had the kids form yet another musical group and gave Berks a caffeine pill addiction to liven it up a bit.
2. The writing staff of "Saved by the Bell" was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Peter Engel: The kids are all just absolutely elated. A Nobel Peace Prize? That's the reason you get into creating Saturday morning comedy.
Troy Fromin (Actor, Ox): I remember Dustin (Diamond) walking over to me right before the winner was announced and saying, "We're really doing it aren't we, Ox?" And I said, "Doing what, Dustin?" And he looked at me, and I'll never forget this, with tears in his eyes he said, "Changing lives."
Peter Engel: Eventually human rights activist Aung San Suu Kyi won the Nobel Peace Prize. Did the correct person win? Maybe.
Mario Lopez (Actor "Saved by the Bell," "Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story"): I think the Native American community finally forgave America after they saw Zack dressed in full Native American garb.
Don Barnhart (Director): I didn't see the television series "Night Court" creating an open dialogue about the teen homelessness epidemic.
Chuck Klosterman (Author, Pop Culture Enthusiast): "Saved by the Bell's" iconography isn't tangible enough to be quantified by any current metrics of success or popularity. We shouldn't be asking "Did 'Saved by the Bell' deserve the Nobel Peace Prize?" the more germane question is, "Did the Nobel Peace Prize deserve 'Saved by the Bell?'"
Casey Kasem (Radio Personality): This might not be a popular opinion, but "Saved by the Bell" did more for this country than the Declaration of Independence.
Peter Engel: The Zack Morris/Lisa Turtle kiss literally ended racism.
3. Dennis Haskins was replaced by a robot for the last eight episodes of season two.
Peter Engel: It's no secret that the internal demons finally got the best of Denny back in 1991.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Actor, "Saved by the Bell," "Hyperion Bay"): Dennis Haskins was addicted to karaoke, and it was beginning to affect his work.
Ed Alonzo (Actor/Magician, Max): Denny and I were very close, and I knew he was having difficulty keeping his addiction at bay. One day, I believe it was during the Rod Belding episode where he's lecturing Rod on responsibility, he just started singing Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth" for 45 straight minutes. We all knew he had a problem, but to see him break down like that — it wasn't easy. Is this your card? (Editor's note: Ed then showed me a 7 of diamonds. It was indeed my card).
Edward Blatchford (Actor, Rod Belding): Dennis had a delightful singing voice.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar: We had to finish the season, so we shot the last 8 episodes of season two with a lifelike Dennis Haskins robot that we affectionately nicknamed "Belding-Bot."
Tiffani Amber Thiessen (Actress, "Saved by the Bell," Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place"): To be quite honest, I preferred the robot.
Ed Alonzo: I believe we bought the robot from Peter Engel's old college roommate. He worked for NASA.
Peter Engel: The original plan for our 6 episode "summer mini season" was for the gang to work at an amusement park that Mr. Belding won from Casey Kasem during a charity hula hoop contest. But when the "Belding-Bot" malfunctioned we ended up going with our Mr. Beldingless contingency plan: Malibu Sands.
4. Lisa Turtle's fashion designs were almost too good.
Don Barnhart (Director): I vividly remember a day where we had to delay production for three and a half hours because Calvin Klein would not leave the premises without Lark's fashion sketch book.
Peter Engel: I was still a little green at that time. If Klein would have pulled an amateur hour stunt like that on the set of "Hang Time," Dick Butkus and I would have, well, let's just say we would have taken care of it. We would have killed Calvin Klein.
Sam Bobrick (Creator of "Saved by the Bell"): Not a lot of people know this but Lark Voorhies created all of her own designs. My dear friend Casey Kasem and I used to walk around Rodeo Drive and spot some of the latest fashion trends and say to ourselves, "That's a Lark." Casey would laugh that trademark Casey Kasem laugh of his, and then someone would recognize him and ask for an autograph. And he'd do it. Every single time. Casey Kasem is an American treasure.
Alan Sepinwall (Television Critic): Lisa Turtle the character was a fashion maven, but Lark Voorhies the actress redefined the term comedic timing. She had a demanding presence that refused to be ignored. Lucille Ball, John Ritter and Lark Voorhies, in some order, redefined the way America thinks about comedy.
Lark Voorhies (Actress, "Saved by the Bell," "In the House"): I was also an uncredited costume designer on the television series "Martin."
5. The character of Tori was forced upon "Saved by the Bell" by the CIA.
Don Barnhart (Director): We had just wrapped production on the first episode of Season four, "The Fight." Obviously it had been a very traumatic week. Watching Mario and Mark-Paul come to blows over a girl, real or not, was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I was leaving set for the day when a large, black car pulled up beside me, rolled down its window — REDACTED —.
Alan Sepinwall (Television Critic): You hear about the CIA covertly trying to sabotage popular television programs all the time. Rachel and Joey, the flash-sideways on "Lost," I'm pretty sure the CIA executive produced seasons 4-8 of "According to Jim."
Peter Engel: I mean — look, I had a wife and kids, okay? I had to make a decision between adding Tori to the cast or the safety of my family — I still don't know if I made the correct choice.
Sam Bobrick (Creator of "Saved by the Bell"): No, the CIA was definitely not involved. We just thought it might be... interesting to add a new feisty character while inexplicably phasing out two of our most popular actresses and then air the jumbled mess of episodes all at the same time.
Burt Realton (Uncredited Producer of "Saved by the Bell"): There was never any CIA involvement regarding the addition of Tori to the cast of "Go to the Bell." (Editor's note: Burt Realton was unavailable to answer any further questions.)
Elizabeth Berkley (Actress, "Saved by the Bell," "Titus"): If you ever say the name Tori to me again I will break your mot*** f****** leg. Understand?
6. The actor who played Jeff was forced into the Witness Protection Program for 12 years.
Peter Engel: With Zack and Kelly we had created the perfect couple; in essence we had created love.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar: The Zack/Kelly breakup was like going to visit the Sistine Chapel only to realize a vandal had spray painted the word "butt" on it.
Tiffani Amber Theissan: It wasn't as tragic as the Titanic, but it was close.
Patrick Muldoon (Actor, Jeff): I had just finished a three episode spot on "The Bell," and I was on my way to Napa Valley for a wine weekend with my girlfriend Jennie (actress Jennie Garth). We arrive and head to our room to shower when suddenly we get a knock at the door.
Jennie Garth (Actress, "What I Like About You"): It was the manager, and he told us that "Jeff's kind" wasn't welcome in Napa Valley. Then he threw a rotten tomato in Patrick's face.
Patrick Muldoon: We go back to the parking lot and my car was on fire. It was just the beginning. From 1991-1993 I was shot at over a dozen times. I've been kidnapped four times, had garbage thrown at me; my own mother wouldn't talk to me for 10 years. I attempted to join witness protection in 1992, but they rejected me. They were Zack fans. Three years later someone forcibly tattooed the word "evil" across my forehead, and after that I was finally allowed in witness protection. From 1995 to 2007 I lived in Pine Grove, Pennsylvania as an apple picker under the assumed name of Toboggan St. Claire.
Chuck Klosterman: I remember watching the episode where Zack and Kelly breakup and immediately running into the kitchen to ask my mother if god existed.
Sam Bobrick (Creator of "Saved by the Bell"): Were the people who sent Patrick death threats wrong? Yes and no.
Patrick Muldoon: People still ask me, daily in fact, if I regret breaking up Zack and Kelly, and I always say the same thing: it was a freaking television show.
7. The Zack Morris character was intended to be a psychopath.
Sam Bobrick (Creator of "Saved by the Bell"): We had a plethora of ideas that never really came to fruition. I remember talking to (then President of NBC) Warren Littlefield at Soleil Moon Frye's sweet 16 and saying "Maybe we get the kids working on a cruise ship for 6 episodes this year. How about Slater dates a princess or Jesse inherits a chocolate factory?" Warren turned to me and said, "Sammy boy, don't rock the boat." I'm sure even god had something planned for Sunday, ya know? We ended up using that "Slater dates a princess" storyline in a later episode.
Peter Engel: I think it's fairly obvious that our initial conceit for the Zack Morris character was for him to be a psychopath. Here's a guy who creates cardboard cutouts of classmates, believes he possesses the ability to freeze time and dresses in drag to date his best friend.
Dustin Diamond: (Actor, "Saved By the Bell," "Celebrity Fit Club"): I knew that was Zack dressed as a woman the whole time. It's called acting.
Peter Engel: Sam and I discussed it and at the end of season two it was going to be revealed that Zack had been secretly kidnapping students from Valley. Eventually the network intervened and said, "Hey how about instead we send the kids to Hawaii for a few episodes?" I said, "Sure, that works too. We'll do the whole kidnapping plot next season." Then I got so caught up in producing "Cali Dreams" that I just flat out forgot.
Casey Kasem: We had a fun "Parent Trap" C-story outlined where Screech and I were going to try and set up Mr. Tuttle and Ms. Wentworth during Senior Cut Day, but there were some unfortunate scheduling conflicts.
Larry Balmagia (Writer/Producer): I remember pitching a season finale cliffhanger where the gang finds themselves trapped in a safe fearing certain death only to be saved by a two ton bell — literally saved by the bell. I remember the writer's room went silent for about 10 minutes and then erupted in raucous applause. Petey said, "Gang, take a three day weekend because Larry just made television history." But we never could find a large enough bell.
Sam Bobrick (Creator of "Saved by the Bell"): Turns out Philadelphia is very particular about who they loan their precious Liberty Bell to.
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